Dear Alek,

I know your older now and probably don’t know who this is. It will sound so absurd that I (Alicjia) claim the title of your mother; no loving mother would leave a child on a doorstep with a mere note. For me to only write to you now is something I am genuinely regretful about.

All those years we spent apart, and I probably will never spend a tremendous amount of time with you so I can make up for time lost. I cry myself to sleep to this day because I can’t forget my first child that I neglected at birth. To leave you on the doorstep of another family in exchange for love is selfish. I can’t beg more for your forgiveness.

Your hazel eyes were looking at me as I was placing you on their doorstep-almost pleading me to stay. I felt no remorse at the time as I deluded myself that you were better off without me.

If only you could have talked and begged your Mama to stay. Thinking back on it even if you had, I don’t think I would pick you up and take you home. Selfish, I know. Alek, you were, are and always will be the love of my life. You are the only happy memory I will have for the rest of my life even after I die.

My decisions in leaving you on the doorstep of your parents were complicated, but there was nothing I could do about it. At the time, I didn’t realise I was pregnant with you, and my parents were wealthy and noble. I wanted to protect their position in society even if it meant I would ineptly abandon you.

For me to say I had an unlawful baby was something I wasn’t willing to lose my parents love over. Now, it sounds stupid and a lame excuse but back then I was young and vulnerable. The only good I can say I did was leave you with people who would love you as I had seen them love others-my godparents.

You have every right to describe them as parents as I am just your birth mother. The one who gave birth to without love and left you cold and alone to be loved by another family.

The real reason why I have contacted you now is I am on my deathbed. It is yet another selfish action, but I am drowning in the sea of guilt now. I wanted to give you a little closure and try to make up for my mistakes. I have prepared your university fees and an extra gift of my life insurance; all of my savings. I have only really got three weeks until I die from cancer.

Maybe you could interpret it as a punishment from above for leaving you. I have had children after you, but the only reason they didn’t come for you was that I was ashamed-another silly excuse for my selfish ways. I didn’t tell my husband either; I was fearful he would abandon me even though I had no problem when I did the same to you.

Karma is real. He ended up leaving me after finding out I had a child before meeting him. The rest of my children went off to live their own lives; they left me in a high-end care home. I would have loved their company, but I guess I was destined to be lonely for what I had done to you.

Anyway, I love you more than words on a paper can show and describe. Please forgive me. I beg you to stay with me forever by loving me, even being dead won’t demeanour that love.

Your loving mother,

Alicjia Motsovich