I’ve been sober three years, did you know that?

Alcohol used to make me suicidal.

I think even now, it still would.

I wasn’t stupid for feeling weak, I was stupid for trusting the one person who wasn’t supposed to let me down.

And I guess I was tired of being let down.

I was let down a few too many times, I think.

That time, when I broke the windshield, and pushed a car across a busy intersection with nothing but anger and resentment. (It wasn’t my fault for being angry that I was lied to.)

That time, when I was 15 and I told you I wanted to die for the first time. (I didn’t need to go to a hospital, I needed my parent to give a fuck.)

That time, when I had to walk 8 blocks to work in the freezing cold. (I had already mopped the floor 4 times. I’m sorry it wasn’t good enough.)

I bought a house, did you know that?

I needed out of the constant reminder of my ex husband that reminded me of you far too often.

I think even now, it would still be a reminder.

I wasn’t stupid for leaving, I was stupid for expecting change.

And I guess I was tired of expecting change.

I expected it too many times.

That time, when I told you I was different. (I knew from 5 years old, I didn’t expect punishment for a human feeling.)

That time, when I told you that yelling at me didn’t help me. (I wanted to die, and you were yelling about dishes when I worked two jobs and still went to school.)

Just so we’re clear,

I graduated on my own. (My brothers best friend helped me with math.)

I got sober because I wanted peace. (I was ruining my life trying to make myself something you could be proud of.)

I bought a house because I could finally move on. (What was the use of staying in place crowded with trauma?)

I made ends meet for my kids.

I made it work because I had to,

And I did it without you.

You broke me first.

My first heart break came from the very soul that built my heart. But there is nothing inside of me that resembles you.

You broke me because you could, and I fixed it because I had to.

Thank you,

For absolutely nothing at all.