i never got to tell anyone

exactly how i fell for you

recount the moments meticulously

like i would if i were writing a recipe

a doctor’s operating manual

a washing instruction

cold wash, 20 degrees

sullen, swooping mountains are all one can see

for the entire misty day you waited for me

and by sunset you caught a glimpse of me

you opened your arms in glee

when my clothes still reeked of rain

delicates cycle, for linens and silks

a special detergent that smells like roses

you played a song i loved as a child

and looked at me when i tried to cry in secret

i knew from that moment

that none of me could be a secret to you anymore

no tumble dry, air out, lie flat

you had a fever and played it off as nothing

to not to add to my worries

i curled up next to your hand

subconsciously, consciously, desperately, silently

you smoothed over my hair

and i sighed out everything i couldn’t say in the night air

i cannot sustain such a stain like you

i cannot sustain a disdain for such a stain like you

it is i that needs to be washed away

dissolve and dismember me in the eco mode