I try to occupy myself from the tension in my chest, trying to figure out which is a worst taste on my tongue, the metallic tang from the cut lip clenched between my teeth, or the bittersweetness of this moment.

I dreamed this day up over and over in my head, romanticizing the moment I could finally escape this house, and now that its here I have to force myself to let in bigger breaths to stop the hyperventilating I know is creeping up.

I try to remind myself of all the horrors I faced here, all the reasons I listed over the years in my head, waiting impatiently for this day to come, but my mind freezes; completely void and blank of all my countless lists.

I trap my lip even tighter then I knew possible between my teeth, willing the blurriness in my eyes to blink away.

I turn away from the now empty room, once filled with my childhood everything, and face the open waiting doorway. I stare angrily at the baseboard along the door, showcasing my growing adolescence, hating I have to leave what feels like girlhood behind.

Before I realize, my hand is tracing up the wall, along my developing height, mind wandering to all the memories I can finally leave behind, but can no longer bring myself too.

I snatch my hand away as I get to the last pencil mark, as if I have been burned, and I squeeze my eyes tighter than ever before.

I knew it was going to be hard.

Obviously leaving behind everything Ive ever known wasn’t going to be. I just didn’t expect to feel so unsure.