‘Mandy! We’re going tonight. You in?’

My fingers hover over the N and the O as the text comes through. I couldn’t do it. I’ve always had an irrational of it. I could never join them. It made being friends with them hard sometimes but for some reason they stuck around.

I have no idea where it came from. My friends say it was probably from the way I grew up. I don’t like that. It makes me sound like a victim of abuse. I’m stronger than a victim. And yet I can’t do this...

My friends say the first time is always hard but it’s more than that...we all know it. They still text me when they go, though. It’s nice of them. I like the ‘you in?’ part. It makes me feel as if I’ve always gone and just wasn’t sure if I could make it tonight. They always find a way to make me feel included, even if my fear keeps me from experiencing their fun.

Their fun. Their niceness. I owe it to them to say yes. To at least try. My heart starts pounding and my armpits tingle with sweat at the thought. I can do it. I can at least try.

So I instead type out ‘yes’. They’ll be surprised, but pleased. The more the merrier they always say.

Steeling my nerves, I get up and begin to get ready for my first murder.