“This is why I stopped online dating. The freaky meat bags I’ve met would knock the breath out of my body if I had any left. You’re blessed with your Stanley,” Agnes said.

“I know, but don’t let him hear that. Ghouls may laugh at seances but there is no better way to find a nice, stable human to haunt. Kenny, do you have any chains in burnished brass. It’s the holidays, love,” Grimhilde said.

Kenny threw them a wink and laid a handful of his finest Ebenezzer chains on the hardwood counter. Harum Scarum was an all-in-one shopping experience for the afterlife. From closet skeletons to phasmorphic ooze in rainbow hues, ghouls could find every tool to torment the haunted. Agnes made googly eyes at the counterman while Grimhilde compared chain weights. She selected a bantam-weight ankle dangler. Smiling, Kenny headed to the backroom for wrapping paper. Agnes picked up her eyeballs and admired his transparent posterior on the way.

“Did you hear what happened to John, three-headed John not inside-out John, he made a profile on DemoniSingles.com and got matched to a seriel killer. The horror!” Agnes said.

“Well John is only as good as he has to be but I wouldn’t wish a spree killer on my worst enemy. I’m too dead for nightmares,” Grimhilde said. “Bathsheba tried her hand on the new app Unhinged. She was thrilled until spring rolled around.”

Agnes gasped. Kenny returned with packing material. With a secret smile, Grimhilde admired the rattle chain. She was lucky and she knew it.

“No don’t tell me Bathsheba got entangled with a baseball fan. Egads, they’re just loose cannons. Completely unable to be haunted,” Agnes said. “o i’m taking a break from the living. Sure I’ll stack the occassional chair or throw stones on rooftops by the pale moonlight but nothing but a bit of fun. How about hitting the food court?” Agnes said.

“Have a Harum Scarum day, ladies. Don’t lose hope, bright eyes. Every warm body needs a shadow,” Kenny said, handing the bright orange box over the counter.

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