My friends have been doing a popular puzzle from the newspaper every day for many months. They have asked me what my daily score is, assuming that of course I participate in this activity. What my friends don't understand is that I have a deep pathological fear of spelling in front of others.

This fear goes back to my childhood, when people in my fourth grade class were required to participate in the citywide spelling bee. As it happens, I am an astoundingly good speller. Astoundingly good, that is, unless I am asked to spell a word in front of others. If I spell by myself, alone in a room, I can spell anything. The most difficult, arcane, or strange word presents no difficulty at all. But if I'm asked by a second person to spell in front of a third person, all bets are off. The simple requirement that I spell in front of another person chases any skill at all out of my head immediately.

This fear started especially because we were called upon the spell in front of the class. Those who couldn't do it right away were targeted for scorn and ridicule. a whole class full of of Children pointing and laughing at you is enough to drive anyone towards A psychological break.

Sometimes I test myself. I'll listen to a movie or TV show or podcast and wait for them to pronounce a difficult word. I will write that difficult word down and check it with an online dictionary. I have always, always spell the word correctly.

And now more than ever, I am afraid of spelling in front of anyone else. I have had friendships ended because of this phobia. It is a fear that is ended relationships.

I must only be a secret spellerthat's the only way.