Esme stared at the wall, her focus sharp and narrowed on the purple paisley wallpaper. "I'll do it," she whispered. I wouldn't have caught the quiet words if my hearing wasn't so sensitive. I didn't even mean to listen this time, I was lamely pouring hot water into a mug, keeping my hands busy. As if tea would make anything better.

"I'll find her and kill her." This time Esme's spoke louder, her words slicing through the grief in the room.

Kyle reached for her hand, but she pulled away, her eyes still locked on the empty wall.

"Es," he tried again, wiping the wet streaks from his own cheeks with one hand and wrapping the other around Esme's shoulders. This time she pushed him hard and spun around. Her eyes blazed with so much hate that I almost crumpled to the floor again. I had no more composure. My body wasn't listening to my brain. I wanted to disintegrate into the linoleum, melting into a toxic waste pool. I might as well, that was all I was worth now - all I could ever offer the people I loved the most.

"Don't," Esme flicked the word off of her tongue. "I'm not going to listen any more. Everyone is going to wipe this under the rug, you know they will. Give it two days and TikTok will go back to saying how wonderful she is for our city. They'll give her another commendation or a parade, and fund more taxpayer money into her research lab. Meanwhile - " her voice finally cracked as she stabbed her finger at the door.

"Meanwhile, my father's torso is being torched in the morgue while his limbs are being sent to some government facility I will never see. They'll send me ashes to bury which will only represent half of him and I'm supposed to take the hush money and be grateful."

She practically jogged into the back bedroom and came back, lugging a black bag with both hands. "I'm over this bullshit. Nighthawk is going to answer for the people who are always collateral for her greater good. No one should have the power to decide who is worth saving and who is not."

She was right. I didn't have that power. If I did, her father wouldn't be dead. But she didn't understand. She didn't know how much he has sacrificed to save her.

Esme hastily pulled her hair back into a ponytail and unzipped the bag. I knew what was in there, but I didn't want to dwell on it. I felt so queasy I could barely stay rooted by the counter, watching her steadfast determination, but not able to speak. I knew as soon as I opened my mouth, everything would come out into the light, and it needed to, but I wasn't ready. I didn't want to lose my best friend yet.

"This isn't going to fix anything Essie," Kyle was desperately trying to make eye contact with Esme as she pulled out items and dropped them onto the couch. An armored vest, three knives, an assortment of government issued identification tags, all fell unceremoniously to the floor. I wasn't even supposed to know about them. If I was halfway mentally engaged I should be asking her questions about how she had these things. But I was tired of this charade. I didn't want to keep hurting her.

Kyle was still speaking, "You'll only end up hurting yourself, maybe other people. Risking your own life won't bring him back. You know that's not what he would want you to do."

"No," she said coldly, still sorting through deadly items with casual disinterest. "It's not what he would want. It's what I want."

That's what broke me, seeing her complete disconnect. She was back in that place I had worked for years to drag her out of. She was iced over and careless of her own life, picking the best way to end her pain - end me, though she didn't know it.

I choked on my own voice when I opened my mouth. The strangled sound caught Kyle's attention, but Esme didn't notice. "Stop," I croaked.

At that moment, she found what she was looking for. A small, silver cylinder was clutched in her hand. She held it too tightly, my heart was pounding so hard in my stomach that I almost threw up. Her eyes caught mine for a second before she rotated the cylinder horizontally, studying the trigger on the bottom, making sure the safeguard was turned on. I hadn't seen it for three years, since it was last safely locked in my lab's vault.

"Please," I struggled to make my voice louder. "Stop. I need to explain."

Both of them turned then, giving me their full attention. Esme wasn't looking at the weapon anymore, but she still held it tightly. She didn't notice that she was pointing it at me.

I peeled my fingers off of the counter and angled my palms towards my friends. I took a step back and commanded my body to draw in breath.

"Please," a single tear slipped out then. "I love you. I need you to know that first."