Dear reader,

Have you ever made a mistake that has changed your whole perspective? Have you ever made a decision that has turned your world upside down and everything that you thought you knew about love is being questioned. A mistake that has you questioning if there is such a thing as fate or destiny? Whether or not the universe has a divine plan for all of us. I made a mistake a mistake that changed everything I ever thought I knew about love.

It was the beginning of April and like always me and Eric would always get our morning coffee before going into the office. Eric is my best friend, we meet through mutual friends at work and we both had a lot in common. We both in relationships so we always had double dates and hangout in the same social groups. In the office we were inseparable and that made people questioned the nature of our relationship.

We never saw each other in a romantic way or so we thought. It was weird to describe my feelings for him throughout the years, it was like love was always there but we were both pushing down emotions that we never even realized were there in the first place. I always thought maybe I’m just infatuated with his personality and the way we were there for each other. It was Friday night and we made group plans to go out for some drinks with friends. Maybe that day we hit the alcohol a little too hard because that was the day everything changed. 

“Ok, why don’t we play truth or dear?” Ask Mandy.

“Mandy, what are we back in high school? “Asked Johnathan while lifting his glass to take another sip of his beer.

“Oh, come on Johnathan don’t be so uptight. Let’s have some fun,”Said Marc.

“I’m in, what about you Eric?” I asked.

“ I’m in if you’re in,”he replied.

We all took turns playing truth or dare, everyone was having a great time. It was Mandy’s turn to pick someone and she looked at all of us while she sipped of her glass of martini.

“Ok, Eric truth or dear?” Asked Mandy.

“ I pick truth,”he replied.

“Ok, have you ever been in love with someone secretly? She asked as she leaned in on the table placing her hands crossed on top of the table. Eric hesitated for a moment, I could see the question made him uncomfortable.

“Yes, I had a crush on someone for a long time and I have never had the guts to tell her,”He said looking down at his glass of beer. In my mind I’m thinking who could he have a crush on? He’s never told me anything before, we tell each other everything. Was it Mandy? He’s never mentioned having a thing for her or was Judy from accounting? Maybe it was Clara but Clara flirts with everyone and she dating a few guys at work already.

“Well it’s getting late and Emma is probably home waiting for me, I should head out,”Said Eric standing up and grabbing his coat from the back of his chair.

“ I should go too, my boyfriend just got home from work.Eric do you mind if we share a cab home?” I asked.

“ no I don’t mind at all. Well everyone, this was fun I will see you all tomorrow morning.” Said Eric. We stood up and said goodbye to our coworkers. He held the door open as I stepped out of the bar. I was still thinking about his answer about his secret crush and why he had never mentioned this before. As we walked together towards the corner of the street to call a cab. I thought this could be the perfect time to ask him who this girl was.

“Eric, can I ask you who’s that secret girl you always liked?” I asked.

He paused for a moment while he yelled for a cab, he turned to look at me for a brief moment. As the cab pulled up to the end of the street he refocused on the cab door pulling it open.

“ Cab is here,”he said avoiding my question. We both jump in the cab, and all I can think about is if he’s actually avoiding the question or did the cab arriving stopped him from answering me.

“Eric, who is that girl you secretly always liked? I asked again.

“Why does it matter Anita?” He asked looking straight at me, only this time his voice sounded a bit annoyed with the question.

“ Well it kinda does matter if you’re my best friend and we tell each other everything. I’m just wondering why you never said anything before?” I replied.

“ What was I supposed to tell you Anita? I’m in a relationship but I have feelings for another girl too. How crazy does that sound to you?”

“ I mean yeah it sound completely crazy but you know I would never judge you. Look this is obviously something you don’t want to share with me and I’ll just drop it. I’m sorry, I guess I felt upset you tell me everything and this you kept a secret but I understand why you wouldn’t tell me.”

“Anita, I’m sorry but I don’t have to tell you everything. We get to keep something’s a secret from each other.”

“ Ok, I guess that’s perfectly understandable,”I replied with a bit of annoyance in my tone of voice.

“I have upset you, I’m sorry. Look I’ll tell you okay,” he said taking a deep breath.

“The girl I have always had a secret crush on it’s you,” he said lowering his tone of voice as he said the word you. My heart stops for a moment, what? Me but how could it be me? He’s never implied or showed any feelings towards me. I’m trying not to make this moment be awkward. Don’t make it awkward, he just confessed he’s had a crush on me. I feel my mouth open but the words are fighting to get out.

“ It’s me? You have never said anything before, you have never acted weird around me. Maybe I just never paid attention before. I really thought it was Judy from work,”I let out a small laugh just to lighten up the situation and break some of the awkwardness between us.

“Judy? Judy from accounting? What? What would make you think Judy from accounting?” He starts to laugh. We both start to laugh for a moment.

“Well I don’t know,Judy is always talking to you in halls when she sees you walk by her cubicle.”

“ No, Judy is just a friend.”

“Since we are confessing things, I guess I should tell you I kinda always had a small crush on you since we meet. Before you ask I guess I never told you anything because it would have been awkward to tell you.” I said looking down at my hands as I crossed my fingers together.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything Anita?” He asked looking at me surprisingly.

“ I guess same reasons a you, would it have mattered? We’re in a relationship with other people. What would that type of information have done just make things weird and complicate things. Let’s agree right now never to talk about this again, like it never happened,”I said looking up at him.

“ I agree, let’s never bring this up again. We’re still best friends and we will not let this get awkward. My stop is coming up. I guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow , have good night”He said as he pull the door open as the cab came to a slight stop. He closed the door and waved goodbye, I wave goodbye back as the cab drived away.

The whole car ride home I kept thinking about everything that just happened. I said I would let it go but for some reason I fell this will change our friendship. Why did I push for answers? I mean can you blame me? For the next few days we kind of avoided each other around the office. We said this would not make our relationship awkward well guess what? It was the most awkward it’s ever been! Did I just lose my best friend over this? For the next few days things started to shift, he started to look more and more appealing to me. Did he always had such a nice smile? Or did I never notice before? I felt a rush of emotions surging through my body like a wild fire burning inside every time he walks by me. What is going on?

You have to stop! how insane is this I’m crushing on my best friend. It’s like we opened a door that should’ve been opened. My mind and heart can’t take this cluster of found emotions. I walk up to Eric’s cubicle putting my hands over the cubicle I reach up over his computer.“ we need to talk to day, meet me at the park across the street after work.” He nods his head saying, “ok.”

After work we both meet up at the park across the street. I arrived first and pace back-and-forth for a few minutes, I’m I having a panic attack right now? What was I thinking? Eric walks up to me, but before he could speak my nerves get head of me and I start to hyperventilate so I start to speak as quickly as words are being processed by my brain.

“Eric I know we said this would not be awkward and that we would forget about everything that happened that night at the bar. All that I could think about is what happened and everything you said. Now I’m questioning everything I ever thought I knew. For one thing are these feelings true or is it just the curiosity getting the best of me? I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I guess I don’t know how to process these feelings!”I said stopping in front of him.

“You’re not the only one feeling this way, I can’t stop thinking about what you said. I can’t stop wondering if this is real or is it infatuation? I think there’s one way to find out, we could kiss? “ he suggested.

He stood there in front of me for a few minutes, just looking into my eyes but this time his eyes were glimmering. The way his eyes looked at me had changed, the way I looked at him had changed. My body is frozen and I can feel my knees buckling and clashing against each other. My heart beat beating out of my chest.

“Ok,let’s do this,” I said holding on to the pockets of my jeans.

“Are you sure, you want to do this?” Eric asked stepping closer to my body.

“Yes, there’s only one way to find out if theses feelings are real or not. That would be us kissing seeing if there’s any emotions behind this. Which I’m sure there won’t be any.” I replied taking a step closer to him.”It will be like kiss my brother and we will not like it and all of this will be just an honest mistake” I replied.

He put one had on my neck and pulled me in, my lips meet his lips. In my head I keep screaming don’t like, don’t like! He’s is your best friend, this is like kissing your brother. My heart beat stops a few times, I can feel every inch of my body burning. His lips so soft like honey, something so sweet and so refreshing. I can feel this magnetic force pulling me in, it’s like nothing I ever felt before. I feel my hand reaching out and grabbing his neck. I feel myself pulling him in tighter. In just a moment I forget who I am and who he was. It was like the world faded away, and nothing matter just us. Stop! I can hear my own consciousness screaming at me to stop. I pull away, and all I can say is this is bad!

“No,no,no you were not supposed to kiss good!” I slightly yelled as I turned my body around and start to panic. “Did you like it?” I asked turning back around.

“ I did” he replied has he crossed his hand and held one covering his mouth in shock of what just happened.

“That was not at all, what I expected, this is so bad! You are my best friend and we should have never done this!”

A large wave of regret flushes through my core, this will change everything between us. Now that is out in the open I don’t think we will ever be the same again.