Green turned to red as I lit the end of my marijuana stick. No ticks of clocks, no tapping of pens on desks, just a green scenery and a worn out bench. Inhaling the smoke into my lungs I looked around me, insects buzzing around between the green foliage that decorated this beautiful space I occupied. The fountain sprayed the gentlest amount of water into its wide stone basin, carrying it as I carried the burdens that sank inside me. A clear blue, I doubt my burdens were the same transparency. I imagined my fountain brown, murky and trudging. As I am. “Fuck,” squeezed out from my lips. A sigh of realisation of how horribly I saw my life, An automatic response. Another inhale. Maybe I should stop, but it helps me escape. I can’t confront all my problems. It’ll take forever, then I’ll accumulate more during the process. Only leading to more and more problems until the day I die. That’s why I must escape even if only for a moment. I should walk. My legs wobbled slightly as I pushed myself onto my feet. The smell of freshly cut grass made me feel bad for flicking the butt of my smoke onto it. Someone took there own time in looking after this place and here I am littering. I walked the narrow path, green hedges perfectly trimmed into a long rectangle. The corners where trimmed so acutely that they looked sharp enough to cut you if you touched them. The ground, stoney yet, somehow soft. A beautiful sight, then something beautiful appeared in a flash. Something astounding. Her. “Just act natural,” I said to myself quietly. My heart began racing, all the while my legs start to go weak. I can feel the blood leave my face. Definitely not acting natural here. She approached, her head bowed. The path was too narrow to just pass each other, we’d have to have the awkward moment. The awkward moment where we’d both have to lock eyes for a moment and say those terrible words. Please god, widen the path. You let Moses part the seas, just move those razor sharp bushes over. Just enough so I wouldn’t have to look up. Dammit all, she’s too close now, I’ll have to turn my body and squeeze past like an upright crab. Those cursed words were inevitable. “Oh, sorry,” I said it before her, then she mirrored me with the same phrase. Her blonde locks parted showing her pearl blue eyes. Big and sparkling. Wow. I froze for a moment in awe. She flashed her perfectly straight teeth. Her lips in a curve. Sweet eyes. Kind eyes. Eyes that made you melt. A fiery brown with flickers of orange like a newly set bonfire. A bonfire of dreams. She walked past me and I had the strongest urge to turn around and tell her how she made me feel. Life slowed down for me at that point and I saw clearly. She was the one. That was the feeling. There was no way I could get her, especially in this state. I reckon if I tried to speak to her I would only fumble my words. I’d struggle getting any words out my mouth. “Erm hey, don’t you recognise me?” She spoke. I turned in her direction and her smile lit me up again. I couldn’t help but smile myself, I must have looked ridiculous. “I’m not sure.” Squinting at her I start to see something but I couldn’t understand what. Looking at her now I realise that she is surely much younger than me. My forty year old stoner mind fogged up again. Why couldn’t I think? I tried speaking again which for some reason became very difficult for me. Her fire brought a warmth to me and now it became very hot. Her gaze grew concern and as she did I began to feel as though I was burning. My left hand tried making its way to my head and I waited for it. I waited and waited. Then I looked down. My arm. It became. Limp. That’s when I fell. That’s when the darkness came. _______________________________________ Waking up. It was difficult. Her again. She sat with her head rested on the chair beside me. “Hello Sean?” The words came from somewhere. A calm and pleasant voice. I tried to turn towards it. “How are you feeling?” The words continued. “Like shit,” I squeezed from my lips. An intense throbbing head pain and an achey body. I felt like I’d been hit by a bus. “She waited for you,” the voice said, I still couldn’t see who was saying it, “She’s been here the whole day.” I closed my eyes, footsteps made their way out of the room. Then I dozed off, the days moments coming back to me in my half sleep. Quiet movements come from the chair. She was awake? My eyes slowly opened and she sat up wiping the dribble off of her blazer sleeve. “I’m so glad your awake,” she said, her eyes still flickering embers. I smile, slightly, until my face began to hurt. “Sorry,” I uttered. “I’m sorry,” she mirrored, those terrible words returned, “I thought I lost you again.” Her tears sparkled down her cheeks like little diamonds. I wanted to hug her, comfort her, tell her there’s no need to cry. “Again?” Silence followed, then snivelling and then a few deep breaths. “Well, this may be hard for you to hear…” “Tell me,” I say grabbing her wrist loosely. “Well,” she said almost trembling, “You killed my daughter.” In that moment I’d never heard such quiet. Even in myself. “I’ve been following you for a while now, trying to muster up the courage to speak to you,” she said holding back the tears. Sweeping her gold locks behind her ear, I notice it. A scar. A diagonal cut behind the ear. The sounds of screeching tires, smashed glass and wailing. It came back to me almost with an instant. “I’m…” those terrible words again. The fire behind her eyes revealed itself now. Spheres of blazing fury and then they calmed. “I know,” she said with a smile, “I forgive you.” How could I forget her face. Years of punishing myself with alcohol and drugs. That’s how. Yet. She’s forgiving me? Why? I wanted to ask, but felt it was disrespectful to even try. To expect her to tell me. Lucy. That was her name. “Collette,” I uttered. I could feel my face becoming wet. My eyes swelling. “I’d take her place if I could,” my face pained as her heart did. “I’m so sorry Lucy.” My body began shaking, I couldn’t help but sob uncontrollably. I hunched forward my hands in my face. The warmth came back. A warm embrace. “Me too Sean,” she said, her tears flowing down onto my back.