I never know when to sleep. Should I sleep late into the morning because that’s what seems normal for my age? Should I wake up and rush around before the sun like most of my family. Should I go to bed in the morning and not wake up until night again?

I could become completely nocturnal and I don’t think it would change my life much. Sure, school would be really hard to do if I was sleeping all day, but I would still study and do my homework. Socializing wouldn’t be impossible considering most of my friends are up with the moon.

I would never see my family and this is what holds me back. Not because I can’t imagine never seeing them, I barely see them as is, but because I don’t want to know what it would be like if they never saw me. I don’t want to discover that it doesn’t really change their lives to only ever see my sleeping. I don’t want to discover that they probably wouldn’t notice for a month. I don’t want to confirm my pessimistic assumptions.

This is what so hard about being negative all the time. I don’t want to be right. I just hate to be unprepared for being right. I’m thinking it. Thinking my family doesn’t care or my grades are bound to plummet or my sister isn’t home yet because she’s wrapped around a telephone pole. I don’t want that in my head, it just conditional. I hope I’m wrong all the time, but I will never risk the horror of being right and being completely caught off guard.