(forgot to press but open to feedback!!)

Dear Diary,

There’s this boy, and he had no idea I was in love with him.

Dear, Journal

hi. my mom got me this journal and suggested it’s good for “memories” but i want to be VERY clear it’s not a diary, it’s a JOURNAL!

I’ve been best friends with him ever since preschool, I went to his house once and met his rats, their names were Mikey and John.

i guess, i’ll just start writing now.. it’s been hard, after the break up, dealing with everyone’s pity. i’d prefer to be left alone..

I usually see him during theatre practice and band, but we just exchange looks, he doesn’t really notice me.

it was hard.. really hard.. she was the first, well.. no not the first girl i’ve ever loved. but she was still important.

I wonder if he remembers our playdate from preschool, I know it was a while ago, but it was fun and I miss that innocence, y’know?

i just have to keep looking forwards you know? focus on what the heck i’m doing with my life, keep looking toward what i can do to make things better.

I wonder if he ever thinks about childhood, ever since we got into middle school and he met Brynn. We kind of grew(ish) apart.. maybe.. i dunno. It’s complicated.

i wish i had more friends to rely on.. i mean, i kind of screwed up a really good friendship with my childhood best friend Mia. we don’t talk that much anymore. we stopped talking after i met Brynn..

I don’t really have many friends nowadays. I keep to myself, I still do a lot of things I loved doing as a kid. Like horseback riding, fishing…. baking. Good to just stick with what you know right?

she was just so focused on the past, and wanted to keep things the way they were. i think she’s afraid to grow up and face the real world. i wish i could help her and show her it’s not all that bad but, you know.. you can’t change people. trust me, after my hellish break up i definitely know that implications of that now.

Ethan focused on the future a lot, he got to grow up with a lot of friends. I started to lose friends after I started to keep to myself too much. People just lost interest in me I guess. Like, he knew what college he wanted to go to in middle school for gods sake! I could never. That would stress me out too much.

sometimes i want to talk to her, sometimes i do miss her.. but y’know life moves on. and i have a future to look forward to and plans to put into reality.

looking back is just a time waster. i think Mia did that too much. she wanted to stay the same and she really feared change. after her mom left her the word ‘change’ sort of became a curse to her. i was there for her the best i could be, i mean i was a kid i am a kid and i tried. really hard. but the longer i spent with her the deeper the rabbit hole became. i mean, when i lost my dad all i wanted to do was run. run as far away as i could get, and i did. and i’m happy now.

sure, i don’t have as many friends as i’d like, but it’s leading to a steady job and future. so… it’s more than i could ever dream for. i might not have as many memories to put up on my wall or show my kids but at least we’ll have a house and food.. and water.

I have millions of photos of us. My dad is nagging me to go through them. He says I keep too many things and I’m becoming a hoarder lol. So I’m planning to donate some clothes and get rid of some pictures I don’t need. Which will be hard. Memories are so important, they give me life.. Itd so important to document your life and always have the ability to look back on good memories. Sometimes my dad says I need to put my camera down, because I’m “ruining the moment” but the moment doesn’t exist until I capture it! Right?

i have a lot of anxiety, that really doesn’t go away.. but i’ll figure that out later… but some part of me longs for a day where I dont have to think… i can just be there, y’know? maybe that sounds stupid. idk

I wish I could do more things.. and enjoy them first.. Try more things and just be present.

i still think about Mia sometimes wonder what she would say to me what type of advice she would give me, maybe i wouldn’t be as scrambled.. but y’know that friendship is over.. it’s the past.

I wonder if he still thinks about me. I miss him. I hope he knows I’m proud of him. I watch him silently on social media sometimes, all his accolades and awards he’s getting are so amazing. I miss being his friend. I miss childhood.

i miss her, sometimes.. i haven’t seen her in forever… i think writing this is the first time i’ve actually thought about her in years.. i hope she’s okay now.. i hope her dad is good.. oh well but y’know life moves on nothing you can do about it.

thanks for listening i guess. maybe this will be useful for future me to look back on someday.. FARR in the future.

Well, that’s all I have to write today. Thanks for listening. :) I’m doing a lot better than I was at 17 so.. that’s an accomplishment! I guess.

bye! — Ethan

See you soon — Mia