I sat at my living room table, surrounded by a mountain of empty takeout boxes and beer cans, celebrating the Oso glorious event some might refer to as my 30th birthday. I, on the other hand, considered it to be the most depressing day of my life. Not only was it a reminder that I was officially old as dirt, but it was yet another reminder that I was a fucking loser with nothing to show for the pointless years that I had managed to claw my way through thus far.. Beer in hand, I drowned my sorrows in a haze of alcohol, the bitter taste doing nothing to drown my self-pity— which were the only two things that I had ever been good at. drinking and wallowing in my own sorrow, that is.

I guzzled down the last of my bush light and crushed the can between my palms. I was about to walk into the kitchen to throw it away, when suddenly, a strange figure materialized right before my eyes. he was surrounded by a swirling cloud of purple smoke. My eyes widened in disbelief as I took in his exotic appearance – warm olive skin, dark brown eyes like pools of chocolate, and jet black hair adorned with Chinese symbols, shaved into a buzz cut. He wore a silk golden robe, barefoot and otherworldly.

At first, I thought maybe I had drank way too much and that I was hallucinating. So I slapped the absolute fuck out of myself. Of course, that didn’t seem to do the trick. I opened my eyes and he was still there. A random magical Chinese man standing before me in my living room. "What the fuck?. who are you?" I stammered, rubbing my eyes in disbelief.

The figure chuckled warmly and his voice was so mesmerizingly beautiful, that it reminded me of maybe what it might sound like if a sunrise could play a ukulele or some shit."I am Mr. Chong, and I come from the magical Kingdom of Zillakami."

I blinked, trying to process the absurdity of the situation. "Zillakami? Seriously?"

Mr. Chong nodded, a serene smile playing on his lips. "Indeed. And I bring you important news, Elizabeth."

I nearly spat out my beer. "Me? Why? I'm just a drunk broke white girl,’’ I finally managed to say, extremely confused. What would somebody magical and mesmerizing want with a nobody like me? I was still trying to scrape my chin up off of my beer stained carpet when he answered me.

"Ah, but you are so much more than that. You see, on your 30th birthday, you have unlocked the gift of immortality,’’ he replied with a smile and twinkling eyes.

I blinked, processing this information. "Immortality? Like, forever young and beautiful?" Suddenly I was more interested than ever. This whole deal just got a lot less weird and a lot more appealing.

Mr. Chong nodded solemnly. "Exactly. And with the proper training, you will have the power to defeat anyone or anything. We need you to protect our kingdom."

I looked around my dingy apartment, taking in the mess of empty beer cans and greasy takeout boxes. Me? A hero? I thought about this for a moment. My initial thought was that he certainly must have made some type of mistake. But, hell. Who was I to argue? "Well, this place fucking blows anyway. Let's do it!" I said with a toothy grin, crushing yet another beer can.

Mr. Chong smiled, extending his hand towards me. "Very well, Elizabeth. Are you ready to embark on this grand adventure?"

Hellz yeah, I was! Until a sudden realization hit me like a ton of bricks.. "Wait! I forgot something!" I nearly shouted, my eyes widening in alarm.

Bounding into the kitchen, I returned triumphantly with a 30-pack of Bush Light. "Okay, now I'm ready!"

With a laugh, Mr. Chong led me towards the swirling portal of smoke, and together, we stepped into the unknown, leaving behind my old life and embracing the possibilities of my new, immortal destiny— feeling like a somebody for the first time in my life.