As I turned the corner into aisle 8, my foot hit something slick, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was going down. Unfortunately, my body still thought there was hope of saving itself and grabbed for my shopping cart. At least that’s what I assumed happened, because here I was laying on my back staring up at the fluorescent lights of the grocery store ceiling underneath my overturned cart with my groceries scattered on and around me. FUCK. I thought, closing my eyes for a moment. Fuckity, fuck, fuck. I didn’t normally swear, but darn just didn’t cover this particular situation.

I wonder if I will just disappear if I lay here long enough, I thought to myself.

“Oh my God!! Heather! Is that you?”

I knew that voice. I should have saved Fuck. Because now I need a stronger word. I opened my eyes. A woman was standing over me. I couldn’t see her face, but only one woman in town had such artificially large and perky boobs. Yup. My Ex husband’s new wife. Bambi? Binti? I usually just thought of her as Bimbo. Becky. That was it. Becky.

She leaned over. I could now see her face, specifically up her nostrils peeking between the very generous mountains of boob. I closed my eyes again.

“Heather! Oh my God! It is you! Are you all right? Should I get help?”

I sighed. “Hi, Becky. I’m fine. Just a bit of a slip. Getting my wind back before I get up.”

“Oh thank God!” She exclaimed and yanked the shopping cart upright, practically taking off my left nipple in the process. “Are you sure? Let me get help. Michael is here somewhere.”

“No, No” I started to protest. Could this get any worse?

But she was already calling at the top of her lungs, “Michael! Snookums! Michael! I need you!”

I pushed myself into a sitting position as my dearest ex came racing into the aisle. He skidded to a stop, taking in me sitting on the floor with the squished remains of my grocery shopping scattered around me. The look of shock followed by dismay on his face was priceless. Almost made it worth it. Almost.

“Heather?” He managed to get out.

“Sweetums, you’re here,”. Becky was shoveling groceries back into the cart with no semblance of order. “Snookies. It’s Heather. She fell.”

Super bright, this one. I thought. It was obvious I had fallen. Normal people don’t suddenly decide to have a sit down in the middle of aisle 8. I tried to struggle to my feet. Unsuccessfully. I flopped back down.

“Oh, you’re hurt!” Becky finally had everything back in the cart. “Let me help.” She reached down a hand.

I must still have been dazed, because I took it. But Becky must be a hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet, and as I’ve previously mentioned, a bit top heavy. I am what one might call a curvy gal. Instead of her pulling me up, I pulled her down on me. I was suddenly much closer to those boobs of glory than I ever wanted to be. In fact, my nose was wedged in her cleavage.

“Becky!” Michael finally snapped out of his frozen disbelief and lifted her off me. “Becky! Are you all right?” He glared at me. “You did that on purpose!”

I sighed and managed to haul myself first to all fours, then to my knees and finally to my feet. “Of course I did, Michael.” I said super sweetly. “I fell in the middle of the grocery store just on the off chance that my ex’s future ex would walk by and I could sample that cleavage he found so irresistible.” I turned to Becky and tried for more sincerity as I asked “Are you all right? I’m sorry.”

She looked from Michael to me and back again. “Uh, no, I’m fine.” She said.

“Well, thanks for your help.” I grudgingly mumbled. As I went to leave the scene of my embarrassment, I finally glanced around. Both ends of the aisle were packed with people, some recording the whole thing on their phones.

“Well, double Fuck,” I mumbled to myself as I took my battery’s groceries up front to check out. “Just fucking ex-cellent.”