Welcome, everyone, to another mud-slinging episode of… (Host bends dramatically, gesturing excitedly to the audience.)

Audience:

The Blame Game! (Applause.)

Host:

I'm your host, Ricky Phil, and today's episode is so hot, this place might seriously go up in smoke. (Audience laughter.)

You know these guys already, so let's just dive on in. (Ricky gestures dramatically at the screen behind him.) Ember, tell us, what exactly are we looking at here?

Ember: (pulls flames inward, clearly uncomfortable)

It’s a picture of me… devouring some big, nondescript buildings.

Ricky:

Those buildings were people's _homes_, Ember. You turned them into ash—am I right?

Ember:

Yeah, but—

Ricky:

So, you're admitting you're to blame for this! (points dramatically at screen) Even if they're just overpriced McMansions.

Ember:

Look, Ricky. Just 'cause I'm literally _fire_ doesn't automatically make it my fault.

Gust: (makes a high-pitched whistling sound)

Well,… this photo kinda says otherwise, Ember.

Ember:

You're one to talk, Gust. Notice how I'm bending towards the next building? I don't bend, unless someone is _pushing_ me—ring a bell?

Gust: (winds slow a bit)

Fine, alright, maybe I—

Ricky:

Nice way to shift the blame, Ember!

Gust: (wind speed picks up again)

Hey! You would've happily consumed everything in your path, with or without me. Don’t blow this back on me!

Ember:

Yes, but— (Ricky tries to speak) Zip it, Ricky! Gust, look behind the homes. You see it? I don't swim. I was carr-ied.

Gust:

Oh, what am I now, Uber Breeze? Sure, I crossed the river, but I never stopped to pick anyone up. I'd notice dragging you along, hot head.

Ember:

They're called embers, air-for-brains! You did carry me. Not that you'd notice, being a guy and all. (Audience cheers and boos.)

Ricky:

Whoa! Nasty zinger, sister. (points at Gust) She took the wind right outta you!

Gust:

Whose side are you on, man?

Ricky: (smirking)

The side of ratings, buddy. (He winks to Ember.)

Gust:

Whatever! (To Ember.) I could never have done that in the first place if you weren’t sizzling the frickin’ grassland.

Ember:

Oooh, dramatic much?! The only reason my embers hung around is because the grass was bone dry, wind bag. (Applause.)

(Gust levels a burst of air at Ember who deftly dodges. Ricky secures his toupée just in time.)

Ricky: (to the audience)

Uh oh! Looks like someone’s blown a fuse. (Applause.)

Terra:

(In a deep baritone.) Dry…so…dry.

(The single flower on top of Terra, who’s a 2 foot cube of lush sod, droops slightly.)

Ricky:

Speak up, Terra, so the audience can hear. He might carry an ember but he’s certainly not carrying sound. (Applause.)

Rain: (speaking loud enough to be heard)

She said the grass was dry, okay. I wasn’t there for her, and (lowering her voice) I should have been—

Ricky:

What’s that last part? Feeling guilty, Rain. (Pointing to the audience.)

Audience:

Blame, blame, blame, …

Rain: (she gives an icy stare to the audience and they stop chanting.)

Let me finish, Mr. Phil. I—

Ricky:

Please, just call me Ricky.

Rain:

Mr. Phil. I wasn’t there because there were no currents. (She turns toward Gust.)

Gust: (slows his spinning)

Breeeze! One complains I didn’t bring ‘em, another complains I brought ‘em. You see what I have to deal with, Ricky.

Ricky:

Absolutely, Gust-o!

Terra:

My…roots…are…dry.

Rain: (still staring at Gust.)

I agree, Terra. (Rain waters Terra’s flower and it straightens.) We certainly found the _root_ of the problem.

Gust:

Jokes, huh, Rain? Okay. Why don’t you tell everyone what you were doing in the forest, when I wasn’t driving you around town like Miss Daisy.

Terra:

It’s…a…Sunflower!

Gust:

I didn’t mean, oh, never—

Ember:

What’s he talking about, Rain?

Rain:

Really, Ember? This little ‘I’m innocent’ act ain’t working for you. I was drenching the clouds in the forest… to stop _you_. Otherwise, you would have burned down the whole thing.

Terra:

(In a booming voice.) My…grass…_and_…trees?

Ember:

Terra, it’s not what it sounds like. (Glances toward Ricky.) Shut it, Ricky! There must have been a spark. No spark, no fire. It’s that simple! It must have been you, Rain.

Rain:

Not without Gust. Can’t make those scary things without turbulence in the clouds.

Gust:

Ah, well if I’m to blame, then Terra’s to blame. Particles in the air generate friction. Otherwise, we can’t make a charge.

Ember: (to Gust)

You dis-gust me! Leave Terra out of it.

Gust: Sure, then what about you, Em. We sure had a good time in the clouds.

(Ember’s flame pulls inward, but she says nothing.)

Rain:

Em, tell me you didn’t? He’s full of hot air. I thought I knew you, Em, but it’s just smoke and mirrors with you.

Ember:

It just,… happened. I guess.

Ricky:

Sweet burn to the Queen of Burn. (Applause.)

Terra: (Terra’s flower wilts a little.)

We’re…all…to…blame.

(Ember mouths ‘I’m so sorry’ to Terra.)

Rain:

Fine! Terra’s right. It wasn’t just you, Ember. It’s the only way we could have made that cursed abomination.

(Ricky lifts both arms in the arm like a rock star.)

Ricky:

Wow, this is a first people. They’re _all_ to blame. To blame for creating lightning.

Audience:

Blame, blame, blame…! (Applause.)

Ricky: (signals to the audience to stop.)

But wait, there’s more to this story. We have a special guest here today.

(A fidgety man in a reflective vest, carrying a hard hat, walks across the stage and takes a seat between Rain and Terra.)

Ricky:

Say hi to Donny, folks. He’s from the Outer-Oregon Power Station. Tell us Donny, what do you do at OOPS!

Donny:

I, I um—

Ricky:

That’s great, Donny. Thanks for sharing that. So I hear you were there the day of the fire. Care to elaborate?

Donny:

Yeah. I was up near the Grid and saw a line snap.

Rain:

Wait. What line?

Donny:

It delivers like power to homes. The suspension hook was totally corroded, and a, it should’ve been replaced months ago. I filed like two, no, three reports. But they kept delaying it. They said they had no budget and stuff. Then it broke for real and like, caused a surge or a spark or something.

Ember: (rolls her flames.)

So it was a human-made disaster? Again? What a surprise!!

Donny:

It wasn’t me! I told them about it and—

Ember: (flares her flames)

And what? You knew it would happen and did nothing!

(She leaps out of the fire-proof chair, and floats towards Donny. Gust twists in front of her.)

Gust:

Em. Not here. Chil, okay. (Ember crackles furiously.)

Donny:

Look, I tried! The system is broken! I’m just one guy. Look, like this is seriously whacked, Mr. Phil. I didn’t come here for—

(Rain interrupts him with a jet of water to the face. The audience erupts.)

Donny:

Hey! (He wipes his eyes.) Cut that out.

Terra:

Cry…me…a…river. (Terra hurls a clump of dirt at him.)

Ricky:

(To the audience.) Did I say we would have mud-slinging or what! Wow! (Applause.) Thanks for joining us for The Blame Game. See you next time when we meet with Mrs. Firlens entire fifth grade class. It’s gonna be—

(Terra hits him square in the chest with a clump.)

Rain:

Nice shot, Terra. Ricky, let me help you with that. (She squirts enough water to it to make mud. The audience loses it.)

Ricky:

Cut! Cuuut!!!

(Transmission ends.)