I’ve never felt so disconnected. My mind continues to replay the moment, the seriousness in my mom’s tone. I knew before she even said the words to me that my Nana was gone.

I had my moments, cried till it hurt, reminisced about my times with her. The usual mourning rituals.

Then I woke up. My alarm still went off. My feet carried me out of my bed, into the kitchen. I lingered on the food options, I still had to eat, so I chose something small and did. I still had to brush my hair, spend time getting the hairs in just the right place. I still had to put on an outfit, make it match, make it right.

I could hear the news on in the background. The world was still turning, just without her. Such a concept feels so wrong.

I didn’t go to work. The only thing I could make stop, at least for a little while. That’s the thing they never prepare you for while you mourn. The world doesn’t care. The world still needs to turn, the sun still rises, the birds still sing. It can be a sunny day when you’re sad. You’re still going to wake up, and you’re still going to live.

Everything is still different though. Everytime I reach for a wooden spoon to use while I bake, I see her face. I hear her instructing me to be careful, and asking for my help. I have her old clothes, that were once too big on me, she looked beautiful in them.

I pick up one of her dresses, still in my pjs, still not sure what to wear. I hold it close to my chest and let the tears fall again. How many times have I gone to my closet, scanned these same clothes and picked the same things. Now I just stand frozen, sobbing, unable to unhinge my hands from the black fabric of her old dress.

I can hear my dad taking our dog outside just beyond my bedroom door. The collar chimes in a familiar tink. I take a deep breath, and put the dress back where it belongs. Mom is getting ready for our morning coffee run, she’s drying her hair so I don’t have long.

I don’t even remember what it is I wore, what food I ate, or how the days after you left went. It was normal, probably. You just weren’t here anymore. But the world is still turning. It just doesn’t have you in it anymore.