I stare at the words as they leave your mouth. I don't want to believe them.

I blink once as if it will make them disappear. Twice.

Go away.

They don't. My heart breaks.

Not the way you see a normal broken heart. It's nothing like the ``broken heart emoji, you know, the one with the crack down the middle?

No this was much different. My heart had thousands of cracks. The way you see a crack on a broken porcelain doll after dropping it.

“We need to breakup. I love you though. Alw-” Your words fade. Breakup. My breath catches and I send a quick prayer to god that your lying. Oh, how I wish you were lying. And why? Why would you say that you love me? Why would you say that you would’ve married me? I love you and you love me and still, we cannot be. How unfair is that?

The next day I wait to wake up from this horrible dream. I don’t. The one thing I want, You. Is gone. Never to return.

The sky starts to darken and it begins to rain. I thank God for his tears.

Our love has died. This is the funeral. I am in mourning

The realization hits me. I feel as if someone has thrown me against a wall. Hard. I sit in bed gasping for breath clutching my heart. A single tear falls down my face. I don't have the strength to do anything more than produce that single tear.

~~

Its been about a week now. My grief has turned to anger. How could you?! You claimed to love me and yet you still broke my heart. I hope you feel as bad as I do. I haven't left my room since that day. I've only eaten once. I’ve lost my will to fight. How can I fight when all I fought for was you?

I want the pain.

I want the pain so that I may know that our love was real. I want the pain so that I may remember that day.

I want the pain.

I'll take this pa

I'll take this pain a thousand times if it means you'll come back to me. I’ll take this pain over and over again if you’ll just hold me again. Then you asked me to still be friends. What a cruel thing to ask.

Friends can’t love each other like we do- did. Friends can’t hold each other like I want. Friends can’t smile like I smile when I see you. So NO. I can’t be your friend. But I can’t be your lover either.

I feel as if I'm slowly dying. Slowly but surely. I'll forgive you as I have done so many times. I'll forgive you for this too. All you have to do is take me back. Take back those horrible words that tear at my heart. I swear I'll take this pain.

I glare at the happy people in the halls. Feel my pain. If I can't have love neither can you. Slowly my anger turns to sadness. I have lost my love. The funeral is over. Yet, I am still in mourning.

Every day the pangs get stronger.

I savor them.

Testing them on my tongue.

Inflicting them on anyone I can.

Oh if only they knew behind my anger was

pain.

Pain burning hotter than the sun.

Pain so bad I felt it in my sleep.

Pain so deep sometimes my feet weren't my feet. And my hands weren't my hands.

I need to let my heart rest.

I'm nothing but a zombie now.

Does everyone see my pain?

I can't let it go.

I lick after it, keeping it in my hold. NO. I won’t let go. Never. If I let it go then I’d have to let you go. Every memory, Touch, kiss, scent and the memory of the way four lines appear on your head when you're thinking about something, or the memory of the way you sound when you lay your heart down to pick me up.

I can’t lose these memories.

Yes,

I'll take this pain if you do too.