Monday 3:36 AM DIRECT MESSAGE

My dearest Anthony,

I’m aware you won’t receive this message, as you currently have me blocked since our last and final fight. That fight ended our relationship, and ended every possibility of me feeling anything other than this gnawing despair.

After our fight, I wrote you a message. A long, pathetic, and desperate attempt to justify my words towards you. I frantically typed with a clouded vision, ignoring the tears coating my screen and wetting my fingertips. I was sobbing then, because deep down I knew my attempt was futile, and that I was reaching towards an impossible and unrealistic outcome. The outcome being that you’ll forgive me.

I told you how sorry I was, and how I didn’t have not one rational thought during that moment. My mouth poured every vile and wicked insult my mind came up with and shouted them at you, not caring about the tears streaming down your face or your heartbroken expression as my words struck deep inside your heart. I might as well have stabbed you repeatedly. I know it would’ve hurt you less.

I embarrassed you, humiliated you. I took your insecurities and threw them in your face, took everything vulnerable you shared with me and used it against you. I dehumanized you and stripped you bare of any self worth. I called you weak, pointing to you then, and told you you were nothing less than a joke . A joke. That’s what I called you. And that isn’t even the worst part.

I insulted your entire being. I told you you were worthless, a waste of air. I practically cursed your entire existence. I saw you die then. You died emotionally before you even had the chance to die physically. Your first death. I have mourned that loss every night since.

After I finished, you just stood there. Staring at me. Wide eyed. Stunned. Your mouth parted only to make no sound, lips quivering ever so slightly. You were at a loss of words.

I witnessed your soul dim right there on that porch. And your lovely brown eyes, that once danced with kindness and everything beautiful in existence slowly faltered, and darkened with grief and betrayal. You looked completely and utterly broken. Torn apart heart to mind from one swift cut caused by me.

I wasn’t thinking, Anthony. And I have lived everyday since wondering how I came to such cruelty, such inhumanity. I wonder if you remain haunted by my words, and if they keep you awake at night as much as they do to me. I regret what I did, and It’ll be a long time until I can completely forgive myself. But for that to happen, I’d need to stop loathing myself first. And I don’t think I can do that. Not after what I did to you.

I knew then, Anthony, that I had gone too far, and that I would never be able to repair what you and I once had. No matter what I did, or how many years I’d wait, you would never forgive me. In a matter of seconds, your love for me withered, died, and burned to ashes right in front of us. Ashes swept by the wind and never to come back.

You didn’t even properly break up with me. After you studied my face for what seemed to feel like an eternity, you simply stepped off the porch, walked to your car, and drove away. I didn’t need to hear you say the words. I knew it was over. And a piece of myself died that night at the realization.

A few hours later, I typed the message. I poured my heart and soul into it. I asked you to take me back, and that I would spend the rest of my remaining life making it up to you. I swore to you I would never become that monster we both experienced that night ever again. I promised to continue loving you as you once loved me.

That selfish part of me wanted you back, but I secretly hoped you wouldn’t accept me.

I pressed send, and that’s when I found out you had blocked me. I don’t blame you. Not one bit.

Our relationship died because of me. I killed our love, slaughtered it. I hurt you. I hurt you and I’m so, so sorry. You have been nothing but kind to me, ever since the first moment I met you, and I repay you with this. You have loved me wholly and unconditionally, have cured me inside and out, and I took it for granted.

I never deserved you. You are too kind, too pure. And I am broken. Now, I have broken you too. From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry. I promise to let you go, one way or another, and I hope you find someone who will never think to hurt you in the way I did.

I love you, Anthony. I always will. And I pray to god you don’t love me back.

MONDAY 3:36 AM

2 MESSAGES FAILED TO SEND