1. I refuse to accept that diagnosis.

The reality of your impending demise

This cannot be

You, so hale and vibrant

To be reduced to this

No, I will not accept it

This is not happening.

2. Surely there are treatments,

Research studies?

It can’t be as bad as all the doctors say.

I’ll tell you what, universe.

I promise to do everything in my power

To help others,

To be grateful, to be a better person.

For you, all I ask is for you to find a cure.

3. Goddamnit!

Another setback,

Another fall.

A dislocated shoulder, this time

A black eye again.

I have no control and want to

Punch something,

Or better yet, someone.

Fury burns under my skin.

This is not fair!!!

4. Endless days, longing for Sunday

A day when I can sleep in and do zilch.

Well, not nothing, for there is always something to do.

I go through the motions but

Nothing seems to matter.

Endless days of more of the same without end.

I feel like the cloud-streaked sky,

Grayness with no end.

5. My life, shrunk to the smallest of circles.

Days revolving around doctor’s appointments,

Planning meals and activities

Coordinating care

All while working and stressing,

I don’t remember what I liked to do,

In the days before.

The days before changing adult diapers, and

Constant laundry.

There is only the caregiving.

6. Grateful, I am grateful.

I am given this time and this task,

One not taken on without consideration,

Though before one knows it, you’re in over your head.

Thankful for good friends, supportive and kind

The memories will be rich, when the time comes.

And those who think they know, but have never taken on

This enormous task, I have pity and compassion for them.

They will never understand.

7. The time has come. It is over.

No longer mad or frustrated or lost in the depths of a caregiver’s burden.

I’ve made my peace and done my duty.

The memories – good and bad – will be with me forever.

I don’t ask others to understand why I’m not as sad as I might be.

For ten long years I’ve had time to process, to mourn, to consider and to sit,

Sit with my thoughts and emotions.

Mom, you are now free. I am happy.

I don’t expect others to understand.

My life begins again now.