I watched as she walked toward the train. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. People had left more times than they’ve stayed, but this feeling was new. This feeling was real.

As I think back on what had transpired over the last 24 hours, I cringed. Never before had the entire universe aligned so unfortunately well, I’m sure it was some kind of record. But this one wasn’t for the books, because heartbreak and raw emotion are not crowd pleasers. When Bee told me she was leaving, it felt like my insides were being twisted into a thousand knots. My hands went cold, my heart raced, and I felt light headed for the first time in my life. We hadn’t known each other long, but she knew me better than anyone else. And I knew her.

I knew the way her hair curled as it dried after a shower; the way the dimple on her upper thigh felt as I caressed her legs; the way she moaned when she felt so good she couldn’t contain herself. And now she’s gone.

I knew that her ex had done real damage, and her trust in me was not something that came easily. She knew that she was my first real relationship, and that the men I mistakenly dated before her were part of the reason it was hard for me to give in to our love. But it was real love, and when I gave in, I gave in hard.

Bee was everything, and nothing. She was the highest expectation and yet completely satisfied with our effortless togetherness. When our pasts collided like waves in a hurricane, there was nothing left but a wreckage and my broken heart. I didn’t expect him to show up that night, and I didn’t expect to be saying the wrong thing as she came into the room. His hand on my back, a joke as she passed. It was too much to think about, especially as I watched her yellow jacket disappear in the crowd.

I’d wait for her here forever; longingly waiting to see that yellow jacket make it’s way back to me. My Beautiful Bee.

But I knew better than to expect her to come back, because that went against her very being. Her artsy, fluid side made her a free spirit, but her stubbornness and past trauma made her a spit fire. When she made a decision, she stuck to it. And when she decided I wasn’t finished with my ex-fiancé Mark, she decided she was finished with me. I wish I could have explained myself better when she saw him touching me, but I froze and brought up stuff from her past that pushed her further away. I could see the moment it was over. Her eyes changed, and I could tell I had lost her. I thought that was the worst thing I’d experienced, but that paled in comparison to the words we’d said when we got home, and paler still to when she got on that train.

It’s over. I’ve never been one for goodbyes, but this didn’t even feel real. We were so happy, so content in our lives that I never thought it was possible for things to end. Yet here we are, ending them. And I’m saying goodbye to my Beautiful Bee.