Hey…what a well woven piece! Your flow is great. ✨
Of the first couplet, the rhythm has a “chatty” ‘double-edged tone. Initially I thought ‘perhaps a con-man!’ ✨
(Although the others seem to go on to heed warnings)
Stanza 3: 🙌🏼✨
Stanza 5: Wow…feels like a trot/gallop… faster paced. Love that lyrically you’re saying ‘why run ahead?’
Stanza 6: rhythm feels a ‘lil off. P’raps missing a beat?:
“It doesn’t matter they need to know/ Though you could move from friend to foe “
How does this sound?:
“It doesn’t matter that they need to know/ Though you could move from friend to foe “
IF (as I suspect) adding the ‘that’ alters your meaning, p’raps add a simple comma…
“It doesn’t matter, they need to know/ Though you could move from friend to foe “ (Then the space/ pause is read as a beat)
Structurally, the couplets add to the feeling of ‘entwined’ and other-woven lies.
Again for drama a comma after the first “may”
“Make their works more realistic/ Know your act is altruistic”🙌🏼🙌🏼🤩
To keep in keeping with ‘the warning’ feeling running through, I would say
“So keep in mind this line of wisdom /And know that you can always give some”
I’m not sure the ‘double “And” adds to the narrative.
I liked the conversational chatty, informative tone—laced with warnings. I also liked a major question you raised. Although I would add the punctuation as below, to really capitalised on such a strong couplet:
“But ask yourself(,)why you want to/Cast this truth and so impromptu” 🤩 (It’s my couplet!! )
Or add ‘little pegs’ 😂…
“But ask yourself ‘why’ you want to/Cast this truth and so impromptu” (I prefer this because it emphasises ‘why’ and hangs tighter to the narrative )
Great read🙌🏼👏🏼—and good evening/morning to you!
