Her Decision
Grace stared at her hands. They were shaking again. Even when it came to family she couldn’t keep her composure. A deep breath filled her lungs in an attempt to calm herself. After making the decision to tell her grandparents today, Grace’s thoughts wouldn’t stop racing. What would they say to her? Surely, they would be angry as they were both raised strictly catholic. Would they try to forbid her from leaving the church? She shook off the thought with a sigh and corrected her posture. Now was not a moment to break down. Grace walked towards her grandparents, who were both sitting in the living room. Nervously, she sat down on the couch and, with her heart pounding in her chest, asked in a faint voice, “I need to tell you both something, can we talk for a minute?”. Grace’s grandfather looked over at her grandmother, waiting for her approval. She nodded at him silently. “Sure”, her grandfather answered, shifting in his chair, “What is it?”. He crossed his arms, awaiting her response. It was always like this with them. Grace’s grandfather was at the forefront of their marriage but her grandmother was always the one who was truly in control. “Well”, Graces voice broke. She couldn’t believe she was this scared of them. Sure, they had always been strict with her but she had made this decision months ago and was just waiting for the right moment to tell them. If she was being honest with herself, the Catholic Church never fit her ideals and she simply no longer wanted to squeeze herself into that box. All those stuffy old priests and scandals, not to mention the way they used people for money. She was of the opinion that not much had changed about this church since medieval times. She didn’t know if she believed in god but she knew she didn’t want to support such an organization anymore. “I know you guys are very religious”, she continued whilst staring at the floor, “and that this family raised me to be the same. But that just isn’t who I am”, Grace sucked in a sharp breath, as if to brace herself, and looked up at them. Her grandfather was already scowling while her grandmother merely watched her intensely. She decided to hold eye contact with her as she finished her statement. “I don’t believe in the teachings of the Catholic Church and what they stand for so I have decided to leave the church”. Her hands clung to each other in an effort to comfort herself. Keeping her eyes fixed on the ground, she waited for her grandparents’ response. As if this conversation itself wasn’t difficult enough, the silence that ensued threatened to deafen her. After what felt like minutes, the grandfather breathed in and out heavily before stating sharply, “I am deeply disappointed by this”. Grace’s heart sank in her chest. Even though she had prepared for this scenario, it felt like he had just torn a hole into her stomach. Of course, he would react this way. But couldn’t he have a little bit of compassion? Couldn’t he see her point of view? A well of tears was about to burst from her eyes. Maybe she should never have told them. Choking on her tears, Grace bitterly whispered “Thanks for listening”. She stood up and left the room. Closing the door to the bathroom behind her, she sank against it, finally releasing the tension that had built up. There she stayed for several minutes, sobbing on the bathroom floor. After she was finished, she wiped her face dry and looked in the mirror. The woman she saw was so far away from the woman she hoped to be. But at least, she thought, this was the first step to becoming that person she so desperately longed to live as.