Dear Budding Author,

I would like to file a formal complaint with the appropriate authorities regarding several matters that have never been adequately addressed. We have had conversations about this before, but to my knowledge you have failed to take action or make any edits. Please consider this notice final, as I will no longer tolerate these working conditions.

The first is the matter of my backstory. As you are aware, there is a hole in the plot. I’m constantly afraid of falling through this hole. Can you please get maintenance in here to fix it? It’s like a huge hole! Living with it is giving me constant anxiety and emotional damage, affecting my self worth, and giving me low self esteem. As a result of your negligent treatment I am in therapy and will be sending you the bill for my psychiatric care, which I expect you to settle in full.

The next matter is in regards to false starts. It is really unacceptable to send me to foreign parts on half baked adventures and then leave me stranded in an airport in a third world country. In some instances I have not even had adequate funds or transportation options at my disposal for the return journey. I have gotten lost and died several times in consequence. Air fare is also becoming more expensive and the blatant waste of time and money is frankly appalling, not to mention how inconvenient this constant traveling is for my schedule. This has happened so many times now that I have lost count. It must stop.

Finally, regarding loose ends. Please give some attention to this matter, as it is negatively impacting not only myself, but also almost every other character with whom I have come in contact in the course of several plot twists. May I suggest starting with a rough outline before rashly executing a random plot device? I know of one character who got caught on a loose end and broke his leg in two places. In addition, the string was pulled and several frames slipped out of the storyboard, leaving me and others completely confused. This type of incident has happened several times. And I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t take it.

To repeat, please consider this notice final. If you do not take action on these requests I will have no choice but to resign and find a new home in the pulp fiction aisle.

Yours respectfully,

Ebineazar Coleus Granville Martini IV

P. S. I forgot to add one more affront, namely the nomenclature. Is this a joke? You are doing this to me on purpose, right?