Since I was five yearls my dad used to tell me the following every birthday, “the magic will come”. I am not sure what he meant when he said that, but five to twenty minutes after a beautiful unique gift will appear. One time there was a unicorn lion with wheels as bag legs, another time there was a monkey bird with reptile skin, and then my favorite a fuit fish with the body of an orange, gills, and fins that had a birthday hat on. And every year, until he passed I used to wish this sort of blessing, never anything different, just the same phrase over and over and then picture my fruit fish with hat toy.

Today is my 28th birthday, its been so many years since he is gone. And still today, one of my friends got me a birthday cake, and instead of silently reciting my little prayer in my head, I said it outloud. Closing my eyes, and them opening them to see my group if three friends staring back a me with a sweet smile. Its a fine thing to have friends who look at you with love. I remember a similar look in my dad’s face. Its like time wants to pass by but everyday I remember you. Mom called me today too, and I told her about the incident with the birthday candle. Only to hear her giggle at me, and then she surprised me. You know what she said dad? That it was her that told you that when you guys first met, but why does that seem even more painful now? How come I have never asked you really what this meant?

A wonderful part of being human is understanding that a part of life is to forget as time passes, but somehow I am still stuck on my birthday being the happiest time of my life. That birthday with you. The day I truly did believe in magic, because at the other side of my eyes, when I opened them, it was you there. I sometimes feel that I am overly emotional, that I keep on sharing too much, maybe that I still have to regulate my feeling, and not be so damn scared of them, not let my thoughts drown me. But how can I not be like this when my life has been magical… because of you. I am so gratefuk to be surrounded with amazing people, but I still want to go home and see you. That I still feel bad that there is something wrong with me not being able to forget your love, the magic you brought. That I can’t properly go into mom’s house, your house, our house, because I can’t comprehend you don’t exist anymore.

And then looking back at the pictures I realize, there was never a you dad. Its always been me and mom.