“You’re special” they said. “Bound for greatness, gonna have a spectacular life. You can do something that others can only dream of.. AMAZING! WOMP WOMP WOMP.

How do I tell her that she doesn’t even get to have any private thoughts about what I tell her WHEN I TELL HER.

“And oh, by the way. I know everything you’ve ever thought in my presence since we started dating. Yea, and when you’re totally freaked out by all this.. yep.. gonna know that too. There is NO PRIVACY in my presence cause I’ve been hearing your inner most thoughts since we met. It’s why I had the guts to come over in the first place.”

FUCK, that makes me sound like such a wuss. I heard you think I was cute so I came over armed with my most charming self cause I knew I had this in the bag. That has to make me the largest douche known to man. Perfectly lame.. real exceptionally gifted stuff. The fact that I waited NINE WHOLE months to tell her will certainly be icing on the cake I’m sure. You can grow a whole human in 9 months, and I couldn’t say that one sentence.. to the girl I love.. to be honest.. to keep her.. to avoid this conversation 9 months later. Real superhero shit.

So here we are.

I have to come clean. But then she’ll know… that her parents love me because I knew all the right things to say. That her coworkers didn’t stand a chance at that company happy hour and worse, she hasn’t kept a single secret from me since day one. Which makes her not only LITERALLY the most honest person I’ve ever met because I know for sure that everything she’s said has been the truth.. meanwhile.. she has NO REASON to trust anything I’ve ever been to her. It’s so unfair to her!! But maybe me too! I couldn’t help hearing her thoughts. I won’t say it hasn’t been an extreme advantage and pleasure.. for Fuxk sake DONT say “pleasure”.. makes it sound like I’ve enjoyed deceiving her all these months… not like I couldn’t help it which is really the case. Isn’t it? But didn’t I enjoy the advantage too? Of always having the intel to tilt things in my favor? .. And at her expense? She couldn’t even be unsure about me privately.

If I’d only been honest on day 2 or 3? Made myself vulnerable. But no.. what if I scared her away?Instead I’d make her love me all these months and then drop the bomb. To be divinely gifted, I sure am a dumbass! I clearly didn’t think this through. Instead of losing her on day 2 I’ll now have to stomach the heartache of losing her on day two hundred seventy something or other. Math certainly isn’t the superpower..

And look at me, acting as if IM THE ONE who needs consoling. Chisa’s gonna be a mess! She’ll feel betrayed and violated and I never wanted any of that. I just wanted to impress her. Because the truth is she took my breath away from the very first glance… I couldn’t believe someone as glaringly beautiful and obviously intelligent could THINK that I was “mysterious but in the most adorable of ways..” the words still give me butterflies. I had to know her. All to lose her… ?? I should’ve told her the truth immediately. But I knew from experience that THAT wouldn’t go over well.. she would’ve run for the hills. And the last most glorious 9 months of my life would’ve been so very empty without her.

Is this a gift or a curse? Ugh, back to thinking about me! I really need to work on that! But what are my options really? How do I make her know that she can move forward with me and still have HER.. her own thoughts, her own world.. her own HER. Shouldn’t I have mastered this explanation by now? Probably. If I’d ever cared enough about anyone at all in the last 37 years to bare all.

I stare in the mirror at the untied bow tie hanging around my collar. I’m fancy huh? All dressed up to be honored at the detectives ball for saving lives with no real plan of how to save her from this devastating news. About to blow my one real chance at love to smithereens. This can’t be the life of a “superhero”…