“Hello, I’d like to put this carrot in my snatch.”

The cashier gives me an incredulous look. “Ma’am?”

I blush as I immediately realize how it sounded, “No, no, I meant I’d like to use my purse as a bag instead of the plastic ones please. Clutch — I meant clutch!!”

I pay as quickly as possible and bustle out the door.

All day it’s been like this. At the butcher’s, I said I wanted to put his meat in my mouth. At the farmer’s market, I told the fruit vendor I wanted to lick her pomegranate, and I told the car mechanic that I needed her to lube me up.

If I can just make it the rest of the day without making so much as eye contact with another human being perhaps I can make it home without dying of embarrassment.