I wasn’t sure if this exercise meant only dialogue and no mention of what the characters are thinking or just no he said, she said references. so as an experiment, version 1 is just dialogue and version 2 dialogue and thoughts. I'm interested to know if the reader cam sense similar emotions from version 1 that are expressed in version 2 and which version would be better in a story.

Version 1: dialogue only

‘Come on Alice you promised me you would come back in a month. What’s going on?’

‘I have to find someone to rent my house first, it’s not that easy.’

‘Surely there are plenty of people looking for somewhere to rent, especially in Newstead, being so close to the city and all…..’

‘The rent market isn’t exactly sky rocketing right now.’

‘Are you being too picky?’

‘Look, I have someone coming around tomorrow, she seems keen and she has no ties or animals or weird habits and from what she told me so far, she could be the one. You know, third time lucky and all that’.

‘Well great, that’s settled then. So have you resigned yet?’

‘No, Tom I can’t until I know I definitely have a tennant. Then I can give notice.’

‘And how many weeks’ notice will you have to give?’

‘Four is the standard.’

‘So that’s still another month away until I get to see you. That’s two months now Alice.’

‘Look that’s just how it goes, we talked about this already, before I left. You were fine with it then so what’s the angst all of a sudden.’

‘Don’t start an argument with me now Alice.’

‘I’m not trying to. As soon as someone rents my house I’ll give notice and I’ll be over straight away. One more month will go quickly, plus I have to pack and book my flight and organise visa’s etc.’

‘Well just don’t forget we agreed you are going to live here with me and there’s no changing your mind now.’

‘Of course Tom, I’ll call you tomorrow as soon as the interview with the potential new tenant is over. I’m sure she will be a winner.’

‘And you will break the news to that stuck up boss of yours the next day yeah?’

‘He is not stuck up but yes that’s the plan, so by Saturday, it will all be in place and I’ll book my flight.’

‘Good! You know it’s only because I miss you that’s all. I cannot stand being away from you this long. It feels like it’s been four years, not four weeks. And in four weeks, well I can’t lie Alice,

you haven’t really taken any action. I mean….I’m just a bit surprised that’s all. You know, sometimes I wonder if you really do want to come here or if there is something or someone holding you back.’

‘Oh Tom there is not. I want this. I really do.’

‘Do you love me Alice?’

‘Yes Tom I do.’

‘I love you too.’

‘So listen tell me about your day, how was coaching today.’

‘Yeah it was good, we have some new students starting and they are training for a charity event in Germany, so they are all pretty excited. They want me on board as their head coach to prepare them before they go. Well the Tennis Centre want me not sure about the other geezers. Anyway, so it’s going to be a busy time for me. Coaching a whole group of nutters rather than just one at a time.’

‘That sounds great. I bet you will be great at it.’

‘Yeah well I should be, after all my experience and skill set, they are lucky to have me.’

‘Ha, you will smash it I’m sure.’

‘Very funny. You know you sound so sexy over the phone with that Australian accent.’

‘Hmm so do you, with your English accent.’

‘What are you wearing, show me, I can only see your face.’

‘Hmm let’s see, my favourite pink cotton pyjamas with white polka dots.’

‘Are they those short shorts?’

‘Ha yeah, that’s them, see?’

‘I would like to take those off right now.’

‘I would like that very much.’

‘Oh god Alice just get over here, I want you so bad.’

‘I will I promise. Look Tom I gotta go now, it’s late here and I have to be up early tomorrow to clean the house.’

‘Yes little miss sensibel! Killing the moment again!’

‘Yeah I did.'

‘Just make sure you dream about me tonight okay?’

‘Always.’

‘Talk next week then, same time?’

‘Yes I will video link you at the say time, and bring you the good news.’

‘I’m sure you will.’

‘Good night sexy bunny.’

‘Night Tom.’

Version 2: dialogue and thoughts

‘Come on Alice you promised me you would come back in a month. What’s going on?’

Tom is irritated again and she doesn’t like where this is going.

‘I have to find someone to rent my house first, it’s not that easy.’

‘Surely there are plenty of people looking for somewhere to rent, especially in Newstead, being so close to the city and all…..’

She lived in Newfarm but Alice wasn’t going to correct him now. Tom’s eyes appear dark on the screen. She cannot see their usual sparkle. Maybe her room is too dark at this time of night. She adjusts her screen settings and switches on the nearby lamp.

‘The rent market isn’t exactly sky rocketing right now.’

‘Are you being too picky?’

‘Look, I have someone coming around tomorrow, she seems keen and she has no ties or animals or weird habits and from what she told me so far, she could be the one. You know, third time lucky and all that’.

‘Well great, that’s settled then. So have you resigned yet?’

Alice’s anxiety simmers. She presses her index fingers to her temples and massages them lightly.

‘No, Tom I can’t until I know I definitely have a tennant. Then I can give notice.’

‘And how many weeks’ notice will you have to give?’

She can’t believe they are going through this again. Tom could act like a spoilt child sometimes. Correction, a lot of the time.

‘Four is the standard.’

‘So that’s still another month away until I get to see you. That’s two months now Alice.’

‘Look that’s just how it goes, we talked about this already, before I left. You were fine with it then so what’s the angst all of a sudden.’

‘Don’t start an argument with me now Alice.’

Alice is panic stricken. Why did Tom make her feel like this? She notices his black hair has grown since she saw him last, and he is unshaven. Is he really suffering for her that much?

‘I’m not trying to. As soon as someone rents my house I’ll give notice and I’ll be over straight away. One more month will go quickly, plus I have to pack and book my flight and organise visa’s etc.’

She hopes Tom didn’t hear the sigh.

‘Well just don’t forget we agreed you are going to live here with me and there’s no changing your mind now.’

‘Of course Tom, I’ll call you tomorrow as soon as the interview with the potential new tenant is over. I’m sure she will be a winner.’

‘And you will break the news to that stuck up boss of yours the next day yeah?’

‘He is not stuck up but yes that’s the plan, so by Saturday, it will all be in place and I’ll book my flight.’

‘Good.’

Tom looks satisfied as he yawns and reaches for his coffee cup. His face softens. Now he rests the palms of his hands on his jaw and peers directly into the camera.

‘You know it’s only because I miss you that’s all. I cannot stand being away from you this long. It feels like it’s been four years, not four weeks.’

Had he stopped here Alice may have forgiven his comment about her boss.

‘And in four weeks, well I can’t lie Alice,

you haven’t really taken any action. I mean….I’m just a bit surprised that’s all. You know, sometimes I wonder if you really do want to come here or if there is something or someone holding you back.’

‘Oh Tom there is not. I want this. I really do.’

What is going on with him?

Tom does look tired, it is early morning in London. She does recall he takes a while to wake up.

‘Do you love me Alice?’

‘Yes Tom I do.’

‘I love you too.’

Once again Tom is wheedling his way back into her heart.

He does look very hot when he is unshaven. Alice decides to steer the conversation in a different direction.

‘So listen tell me about your day, how was coaching today?’

‘Yeah it was good, we have some new students starting and they are training for a charity event in Germany, so they are all pretty excited. They want me on board as their head coach to prepare them before they go. Well the Tennis Centre want me not sure about the other geezers. Anyway, so it’s going to be a busy time for me. Coaching a whole group of nutters rather than just one at a time.’

Alice wonders why he talks people down so much, yet senses he treats her in a similar way. Maybe it is light hearted English humour that she is not familiar with.

That sounds great. I bet you will be great at it.’

‘Yeah well I should be. I mean with my experience and skill set, they are lucky to have me.’

‘Ha, you will smash it I’m sure.’

‘Very funny. You know you sound so sexy over the phone with that Australian accent.’

‘Hmm so do you, with your English accent.’

She loves how when he smiles his white straight teeth gleam, his jaw squared, blue eyes intently looking into the camera at her.

‘What are you wearing, show me, I can only see your face.’ Tom is clearly waking up from the caffeine.

‘Hmm let’s see, my favourite pink cotton pyjamas with white polka dots.’

‘Are they those short shorts?’

‘Ha yeah, that’s them, see?’

‘I would like to take those off right now.’

‘I would like that very much.’

‘Oh god Alice just get over here, I want you so bad.’

‘I will I promise. Look Tom I gotta go now, it’s late here and I have to be up early tomorrow to clean the house.’

‘Yes little miss sensibel! Killing the moment again!’

‘Yeah I did.'

There was that awkward silence. Alice braces herself for more criticism. Why does she upset him so easily? She should have just shut up.

Tom surprisingly smiles.

‘Just make sure you dream about me tonight okay?’

‘Always.’

Alice feels relieved that Tom has calmed down and isn’t angry with her. She is sure he just misses her and his comments were nothing more than that.

‘Talk next week then, same time?’

‘Yes I will video link you at the say time, and bring you the good news.’

‘I’m sure you will.’

‘Good night sexy bunny.’

‘Night Tom.’

In four weeks, Alice will be on the plane, on her way over to her knight in shining army. Okay maybe a bit of a childish arrogant knight in shining armour, but still a knight all the same. Still, why did that voice in her head keep nagging at her that once she was back in Tom’s arms everything may not be as she imagined.