It has been the perfect evening. The cliche, candle lit dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant. Laughs over sweet wine. Her hand in mine as we walk the riverfront. My blazer over her cold shoulders. A ring in my pocket. All for a woman I do not love.

Don’t get me wrong, I have love for her, but I could never be IN love with her. She is beautiful, intelligent and is the most genuine human being I have ever known. To be honest, I envy her. She is authentically and incredibly herself. I could only dream of being as confident.

She says she loves me and I believe her. Yet the truth is she simply does not know me. Not many do. That openly gay, artsy boy in high school who we so proudly called “fag” in the hallway. He knew me. My experimental room mate in college. He knew me. My ex girlfriend’s brother. He knew me too. But my soon to be fiancé? She doesn’t know me.

Some people don’t believe in soulmates, but I do. I perhaps that only complicates things further. There are days, like today, that I try to imagine what my soul mate would look like. Is he tall like me? Where would we have went on our first date? Does he prefer wine over beer? Is his family supportive or would they shun him for being gay, like mine?

The only thing I do know about my soul mate is that I will never meet him, at least not as my soul mate. Who knows, we could have already met. Hell, he could have very well been my ex girlfriend’s brother. As much as I would love to pursue him I can’t help but consider everything I would lose in doing so. My family. As much as they refuse to accept me for who I really am, I still can’t bare to lose them.

My mind returns to my non soul mate, female partner and I realize that now is the time. I think of how happy my family will be when I tell them she said yes. This is the only thought that motivates me to move forward. My entire life I have secretly been a gay man. Going forward I will secretly be a gay man in a heterosexual marriage. Nothing turns me off more.

Still I drop to one knee, fake the smile she fell in love with and pull the ring from my pocket. I open my mouth to give my well rehearsed yet meaningful speech about how I couldn’t bare living without her. I finish what I planned to say and look deeply into her eyes. She cries and I know it is tears of joy.

Except it isn’t.

“I can’t.” She says as tears slowly fall down her cheeks. “I am in love with a woman.”