I’m John.

John-from-IT.

That’s how I introduce myself.

I used to be a superhero.

Figuratively speaking.

Locked out of your email?

I’m right here.

Keyboard on fire?

I’ll give that a go.

Accidentally deleted that report that’s due this afternoon because you’re a fucking moron?

You’re gonna love me.

What’s that, Karen-from-Accounting?

That virus is back and you need me to come sort you out again?

What a mystery. I’ll be there in a jiffy.

The praise never lasted long but it was real. People loved it when I stopped their day from being utterly and irredeemably shit.

Then the wizards came.

They called them ‘magicians’ at first. On the news. I always called them wizards.

Magicians are entertainers. They use psychology and sleight-of-hand and machines to dazzle an audience.

These guys use magic.

Henry-from-HR is one of them.

He says he comes from the Kingdom of Balvanor. He was a knight under King Osolo, but fled the Kingdom when the capital collapsed under siege from the Great Empire. Henry went on a voyage around his world, sailed with pirates, ran with rogues, made allies of Elves and Orcs, Giants and Dwarves, Goblins and Gremlins, Angels, Demons and Merfolk, learned to wield mystical powers he had never dreamed could be real, and then brought a mighty military menagerie to retake the city of his birth and end the dominion of the Empire.

Now Henry works in HR.

He and some other sorcerer folk were experimenting with the arcane. They accidentally created a spatial rift, fell into it and had to reacclimatise to living in Slough in 2019.

Unfortunately, his mind-magic abilities make him extremely empathetic. If you’re having a problem, he knows it before you tell him. And he can work out exactly what to do about it. And if it’s too much to solve, he can just pzaz you so you’re not upset anymore.

Karen-from-Accounting speaks to him a lot.

Prick.

Three weeks ago, I was the superhero because I could sort practically any problem you have.

Now, Henry-from-HR can fix literally any problem you have.

Except IT problems. That’s the one thing I have over him. God, I hope he doesn’t work out how computers work.

Joke’s on him, anyway. I’ve acquired his company laptop for maintenance and I’m filling it up with some pretty disgusting and legally dubious porn, so we’ll see who ends up on top.

Fucking wizards.