It was a Saturday in the month of march, and the weather was odd that year. There was snow on the ground the week before, and that week it was 14 degrees. While the weather was nice, it was nothing compared to being in the presence of HER. When I say HER, I am referring to the girl I’ve always thought of, but never believed in. It was just too good to be true, and frankly, that girl was much too good for me. She was bubbly, bold, and bright in every single way. She was much smarter than I, and she had the biggest smile I’d ever seen.

Sometimes I’d catch myself smiling when I thought about her, and one fact about me is that I don’t like to smile. Now it’s not that I don’t like to have fun, because I do, I’ll have you know. I just don’t particularly like my smile. But when it’s about her, I can’t help myself. I kept quiet, I tried not to show emotion. I had to pull myself together every time she talked to me, I didn’t want to get sucked in. I knew I couldn’t have feelings for her, but I also knew I couldn’t not have feelings for her. Any guy with a brain would be crazy to not have feelings for her, and that’s what I honestly think. When she talks to me I can hardly focus on what she’s saying. Half the time it’s just a blurb of gibberish. And then she gets mad at me for not listening, and even when she’s mad she’s adorable.

But I had to keep my mouth shut because she could never know. She could never know that I am in love with her. If she ever found out, I might as well fall to the ground dead, because I know the feelings will never be mutual. I’m not a risky guy; risks lead to suicide; risks lead to pain and suffering. So I always keep my expectations low. Always, always, always. Each time I’ve ever had anything good happen, something bad comes to steal it away. That’s why I’ve always stayed hidden in the darkness of pessimism. It’s a good place to sit.

But sometimes I have to stand; sometimes my pessimism turns into optimism. I’ve found myself changing my mind, but only because of one good thing. This girl. I look at the world differently because of her. It was march when it happened. I never really thought it possible, but fantasy came true.

She was wearing a red shirt and blue jeans. The room was purple: her favourite colour. Even though she admitted it to be yellow, I knew she loved purple. The room was huge, at least twice the size of mine, and her house was much louder than mine, yet it felt like it was just her and I in those moments. She was inches away from me, maybe centimetres, and something like the feeling of a cool wind rushed over me.

Suddenly she looked over at me and asked me a question and I must even looked like a big fool to her with my stupid face and no words to fill my mouth. She just gave me a smirk and looked away. But I missed her face. Her perfect, smooth face; her deep brown eyes. And then she looked back at me again and I got lost in the jungle of her eyes. I didn’t want to hold on to this high expectation so I shook my head and began to stare at the wall. And she did the same. It felt like eternity that we didn’t say a single word, but soon I had my breath stolen as well.

With more confidence than I could ever own up to, she tilted her head towards me and time stopped. I could feel her soft hair touch my shoulder. It smelt of flowers and oranges. A shiver crawled up my back, however, she warmed me up like the sunrise after a cold night. A peace filled the room and still not a sound was heard. Silence was the most comforting thing in that moment.

Just then, a thought came into my head. What if this meant nothing? What if she forgets all about it tomorrow? I held on to my moral of low expectations for just a little longer.

I began to say something, but a frog appeared in my throat and I had trouble getting any words out. Finally I muttered four words: “so this is it?”

Something tells me she had a frog in in her throat as well because her response was merely a nod, however, it was the most convincing nod I’ve ever seen. Although I know that’s only because I truly wanted to believe it, I decided I would trust her for two reasons: the good outweighed the bad, and I would never know if she was lying until I tried.

So I placed my hand on hers and gave her all my trust. It was the most vulnerable thing I would ever do, and the greatest risk I’d allow myself to make. But it was one risk, out of many more to come, that I was willing to take.