Okay...

Where the fuck am I?

Way to go, Todd, brilliant move on your part, get trashed at the bar, take the train home, blackout (like you always do!), and wake up in a town that you've never been to before.

Moron.

I flashed a final glance at the conductor before stepping off into unknown territory. I exhaled and I could taste the assortment of booze on my breath. God, I'm a fucking disaster.

I peered over my shoulder at him, "So, I can't just sit here so you can take me back home? That's not in your contract is it?"

The conductor was the oldest and most generic-looking train conductor I'd ever seen. Jesus Eff'ing Christ, it looked like he jumped out of a children's book. Short, portly, thinning white hair, big blue eyes beneath wire-framed glasses, with just the right amount of red to his face.

"Why. I can't do that sir. I must be getting home to the missus and the wee-ones. I'm afraid you'll have to wait for the train tomorrow morning."

What the fuck? Why did he sound like a cartoon character? Every word sounded fake and outlandish, it sounded scripted. What kind of grown-ass man called his kids "wee-ones?" He wore a smile that, to be honest, creeped me out.

"Right," I muttered. "Can you at least tell me where I am?"

His smile widened, which I didn't know was possible. "Well, sir...You're in HappyLand!"

"Wait. I'm in what..." But I was cut off by the sliding doors that damn near crushed me. I stumbled off the train. My eyes caught a glimpse of the sun which caused my hangover to rage into full effect.

I felt my head pound and my eyes water. It felt as though someone had hit a set of pool balls around my skull.

"Ah...shit," I muttered. I stumbled around and closed my eyes, doing my best to maintain my balance.

I peeled my eyes open and stumbled over to the trashcan as my stomach rose to my chest. I braced myself on the rim and stuck my head into the opening, as my body began to dry heave.

Nothing, but saliva. Thank God, at least that turned out in my favor.

"Uh-oh! Someone looks like they're having the case of a sour stomach." Someone said from out of my vantage point. They emphasized "sour" and I could see the pout on some guy's face.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and lifted my head. Standing in front of me was a guy with a sky blue polo, khaki shorts, white socks, and tennis shoes. His brown hair was combed with perfection to the right, and he had a smile brighter than the god damn sun.

"Are you okay sir? You do not look well at all!"

I slowly nodded my head. "I'm fine."

"Well if you're fine, wipe that frown off your face. You're in HappyLand!!!" He emphasized "frown," with another pout, and threw both arms up with a smile when he said HappyLand. What the hell was wrong with this guy? Was he on cocaine?

No...he looked too good physique-wise to be a cokehead. Ecstasy? What did people look like when they were on Ecstasy? I was a bonafide boozer, not a drug user.

"Um. I'm sorry. I've never heard of HappyLand. Ever. I fell asleep on my train for God knows how long and ended up here. Is this a joke?"

The man threw both hands in front of him as if my words inflicted damage. "Whoa! No need for that negative attitude. Here in HappyLand everyone and everything is Happy! Hence the name!"

I shook my head. "Negative? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be negative. I'm lost."

My cell phone. Duh. Wake up, Todd.

"You know what. Forget it, sorry I bothered you." I said turning away from him. I fished my cellphone out of my pocket and tapped the screen.

No service. No LG, just a simple X in terms of bars.

"Oh yeah. No cellphones work in HappyLand, that creates negativity." The man said from behind me. I didn't even have to look at him to know that he tightened his fists and moved them around when he said "negativity."

I shrugged my shoulders. "What do you mean?"

"No cellphones, sir! That thing is as good as useless!" He snatched my phone from my hands and flung it over his shoulder. I watched in horror as my phone sailed through the air and landed on the railroad tracks, I could hear the screen crack.

"Hey! What the fuck's your problem?" I shouted.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" The guy barked, hands up in defense again, this time he backed away with each whoa. "We don't use that kind of language here in HappyLand! We're all about positivity!"

I narrowed my eyes and looked at him like he was the biggest idiot in the world because he clearly was based on this one five-minute interaction. "Dude, you just threw my cell phone on the railroad tracks. How the fuck am I..."

He started to shake his head. "Nope! Nope! None of that negativity!"

"What are you a child? What the hell is wrong with you? You're old enough to be my Dad and you're just throwing people's phones around?" I snapped.

"We got a Negativity Alert!" Said the man with a tune.

This garnished people's attention. Or maybe my conflict with this idiot had been garnishing attention, and I'd just failed to notice until now.

A woman with wavy brown hair, a bright red dress, and red heels walked up to me.

"Calm down there sir! You're in HappyLand, we can't have that kind of negativity or it'll bring down everyone's mood. And we can't have that right?" She asked.

Four others had surrounded me at the bus station. All of them smiling and shaking their heads, protesting my alleged negativity.

"Okay, seriously. This guy just threw my phone..."

"Boo to cell phones! Boo to cell phones! They create negativity!" The woman chanted.

The others began clapping and cheering, chanting, "Boo to cell phones!"

"Sir, you don't need that here in HappyLand. You'll never need your cellphone again." One of the others chimed in. He had black, slicked-back hair, and wore a gray suit with a mint-colored tie.

I felt like my head was going to explode. I wanted to punch the man who threw my phone, I wanted to backhand the woman in the red dress. These people were lunatics.

"Okay." I fumbled for the words. "You know what? Maybe my phone still works," It was the only thing to come to mind.

I pushed through the crowd of people and made my way towards my broken phone on the train tracks. My right shoulder hit the man in the suit, my left shoulder grazed past a portly woman with fading red hair in a bowl cut and thick glasses. At that moment I knew she would be a problem, but I decided to ignore it.

From behind me, I could hear the woman scream, and from the corner of my eye, I could see her topple on the balls of her feet, her arms pinwheeling as she fell to the floor.

"Physical aggression! He used physical aggression against me!!!" She hollered at the top of her lungs.

"Are you kidding me?" I whispered to myself. "I barely made contact with her!"

The man in the suit and the man in the polo helped her to her feet, expressions of horror painted across their faces. The lady in the red dress began to console the woman who now had tears running down her cheeks.

"Are you okay honey? Are you hurt?" She questioned quietly.

The woman began to sob uncontrollably, wiping tears from her eyes, screwing up the alignment of her glasses as she did.

"What is it that we should do to him?" Asked the woman in the dress. "Should we punish him?"

The woman with thick glasses continued to blubber and sob, her face red like a tomato, snot dribbling from her nose. "He should be punished. He should be punished." She began to whisper.

I backed away as the man in the suit and the man in the polo slowly made their way toward me.

The man in the polo flashed a stern look at me. "We can't have you here sir. We do not condone that kind of negativity."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Then I'll fucking leave. Oh, wait duh, that's much harder to do because you broke my cell phone. Do you at least have a phone I can use?"

The man in the suit shook his head, his eyes never leaving mine. "We can't have that, outsider. Not with your heinous actions. We can't have that negativity in HappyLand."

They all fell silent, the world fell silent.

I gave a nervous look at my surroundings. There was only a handful of people on the outside platform of the train station, but they were all looking at me. A woman with a stroller stood off to my right, a construction worker on a ladder peered down at me, and an elderly woman gave me a chilling scowl from behind the ticket booth. I could hear the wind blow past my ears, I could feel my hair do a gentle dance and fall back into place.

I could hear my heart thudding in my chest.

My eyes fell on the woman who I'd knocked over, our eyes met and her lips began to tremble, and for a brief second, I saw her lips curl into a smile.

"Kill him." She whispered.

I shook my head, my mind trying to process what I'd just heard. "Wait. What?"

"KILL THE OUTSIDER!!!"