This is not where we are supposed to be. I’ve never been to this hospital, I don’t know these doctors, and I already - _OH MY GODDDDD, _breathe, _breathe, _okay - I’ve already paid my copay at the other hospital! Okay, but it’s fine. I was going to do this at home anyway, right? But here we are, and these ever-loving contractions are not great, and I’m ready to get this baby out.

Pregnancy, it’s been a good run. I actually didn’t mind it, definitely would do it again, but _SHIIIIIIII_ - it’s time for this to come to an end. Let’s get this baby out! Oh, hello, nurse, yes, here is my birth plan, the other hospital should be sending all my records, and, yes, we will be collecting the placenta to encapsulate. I would like to have a natural, unmedicated birth, baby is head down, and I’ve been having contractions for about nineteen hours now, so, yes, I think it’s time.

Okay, wow, this hospital is actually nicer than the other one. The lights are dim, the walls are muted comforting colors, and it’s quiet. Lovely. Ooh! Wow, this is a big room and a big bathroom. You say the shower can help with pain relief during labor? Yes, okay, sure I … will. try. the. _showerrrrrRRRRRR…. _Ha. You know what’s so funny? Two days ago I was frantically searching the internet to try and figure out what contractions felt like, so I could be prepared. Ladies were not spilling the beans on it’d but I’ve decided it’s like a leg cramp, plus period cramps, plus a fart cramp, all rolled into one.

Oh my god, I’m gonna punch my acupuncturist. She did these points in my butt to help the baby come out… but now my butt is SO sore, and it’s really hard to stand in this shower with all the pain. But the hot water does feel so good. Someone just tell me when the baby comes out, okay? Oh, what? You need me to come out, really? Okay. Fine. _AHHHHHHH ooohhhhh. _Wow_. _This feels like a long time to be in labor.

Sorry, Doctor, I didn’t hear what you said. The baby is going to NICU? Why? Because I have a fever? But, yeah, I was just in the shower. I’m healthy - the medical records say it’s all fine. You didn’t get them? Let me take the temperature again. You can’t? Why?! _OHHHHHHHFUUUDDGGEEEEHHAAA. _ok it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine - stop arguing with her, I don’t want arguing,, just stop. _STAWWWHHHPPP. _

okay. I give in. Get me that epidural. I can’t do this anymore. It’s been 24 hours. I’m so tired. OW! Oh. No. I don’t like this. Why did I feel that? It shot down my leg -is that normal???

Wait. I can’t move my legs. I can’t fell them or move them. Push? It’s time to push? Am I doing it? I feel like I’m doing it! The baby’s coming??! I’ve been pushing for a while - where’s the baby?

I HAVEN’T been pushing? What do you mean? You both said I was doing a great job! What in the ever loving-fine. Yeah. Let’s get some sleep. You know, it’s not that easy to sleep with all these wires and beepings and people coming in and out.

Okay, can someone turn down the epidural, because I have no idea if I’m pushing or not. I’m still not pushing? What do I do??? Tell me! Hands and knees, ok, I can’t move my legs, but maybe if I grab them, and just, can you lift my hips? Okay, on all fours - any baby yet? No. What’s going on?!??? Maybe this is a sign. Maybe I’m gonna be a terrible mother. I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t know what I’m doing. There’s really no way to turn this around?

Wait. What? A c-section? Let me just try a little longer! Just turn down the epidural and I can push, I know I can do it, I’m strong! Just give me some food! Well, I know I can’t have food before surgery, but I don’t need a c-section. Please. No. I can’t do this. I don’t want to. I’m too scared. Please! PLEASE!

Oh my god. This wasn’t supposed to happen. The hallway is too bright. This room is so white. The curtain is so close to my face. They said I wasn’t going to feel anything! Tell them I can feel the tugging. Tell them, I don’t like it. I’m too tired to cry. This curtain is so close to my face. I’m far-sighted. Okay, just breathe. Cozumel. I’m on the beach in Cozumel. Deep inhale. I’m on the warm sand. Oh god, that feels so weird. Breathe.

What’s that noise? That is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life. It’s a boy? Everyone was right. They want me to hold him? I can’t hold him like this? I can’t see him - he’s too close. I can’t see anything. It’s 5:30am? Please - take him. I can’t hold him right now. I just need to catch my breath.

Oh. I guess I fell asleep. We’re in a new room. I wasn’t asleep? Man, I’m so out of it. Wow. That’s a baby. That’s our baby.