TW: Anxiety/Anxiety attack (very descriptive details)

I feel hot.

I take off my sweater. My skin is so hot I can imagine heat literally radiating off of it, but hey at least I’m still warm.

My heart’s racing, & as my mind narrows down on the one thing, all my symptoms erupt at once.

I have anxiety. Moderate anxiety, so not severe enough that I’m always affected by it, but I experience anxiety attacks usually w/out any clear sign of where they’re coming from.

My vision narrows into a broad rectangle of vision; I’m more focused on breathing than what’s actually in front of me, & I can barely feel the chair I’m sitting in as I press my arms down into it to stabilize myself.

I’m in the moment enough to remember not to put my hands or anything for that matter onto my stomach; any pressure whatsoever causes it to start to hurt. & my stomach hurting equals more anxiety.

But as my senses blur together into a signal so quiet it doesn’t reach my brain, I zone out & wonder how I got here. Again.

Everything’s silent. Or, silent isn’t the right word, but I’m taking nothing in. I have become completely frozen, a rarity from me. No more fidgety, I can’t think can’t stop moving can’t do anything but worry abt everything “me”. Just frozen in place, staring into space, nothing’s coming through “me”.

I’m stuck.

A minute or so later, I come out of it. I never closed my eyes, bc teachers are used to zoned out students. Students w/ their eyes shut, stiff but not limp; never really a good sign. The last thing I want to do is draw attention to myself or have someone unnecessarily worry abt me, so I refuse to close my eyes. Once they’re locked, they’re locked, so it doesn’t even matter whether my eyes are shut or open.

Some people have anxiety attacks where they’re shaking & rocking back & forth w/ a panicked expression; often times, their mind’s a chaotic mess in the moment.

I have that same chaotic mind, but it all becomes white noise when I have an attack. I freeze up. Zone out. Become unresponsive & stiff. My visions narrows until I can see everything but my eyes are focused on nothing. I look like a… zombie? Ghost? Not my usual self, for sure.

All anxiety & panic attacks do not look the same.