Gory. Dark. On a late night after remembering how he was untrue to you, you decided to get this frustration out.

After laying in bed all week, you figured you could go for a walk in the woods. Yeah, it’s late, but you think no one misses you. But to be certain to avoid all conversation, you leave from the balcony in your room. It’s such a short jump, but thrilling nonetheless.

That’s what you need. You need some thrill in your life. Something to get used to. Something to get used to you. Ever since you found out he lied, it felt like nothing wanted to know the real you anymore. Everyone simply wanted to ask if you were ok and hear you say yes. So you said yes…every time. And walked the short steps up to your room and drowned them out with tunes of love’s lies.

If they knew you hadn’t bathed in days, they would have had more sympathy. If they knew you hadn’t been happy in weeks, they would’ve gotten their heads out of their own asses to see that you were in pain. But they couldn’t. The show must go on. Who knew that your pain would block you from seeing others?

Yeah, you sensed it in Anna’s voice when she asked you if you were ok. Her voice cracked . When you gazed into her eyes for that awkward 7 seconds, you saw that she wasn’t okay. But you didn’t ask. Because knowing she wasn’t ok while you weren’t ok would have made things seem like they weren’t ok. And you can function just a bit better if the only person who wasn’t okay was you. Then, at least, you were the problem and that’s something you can contain.

That’s why you sit up in your room. You have no issue being a vial of the most vile, poisonous disease held in a secure location. You don’t have to deal with others. But even more soothing to your brain, others don’t have to see your pain. Your brokenness. The “stupid” sign on your forehead that must apparently be there. Even you’re starting to see it too.

As your feet touch the ground, you pause and inhale slowly. The scent of wet grass gives you yet another thrill that courses through your veins. Shit. Has it been 8 days since you’ve stepped outside of your home? You can’t blame that on the quarantine this late in the game. It’s 2021. 2 0 2 1 .

The escapades that got you outside in the first place is the exact reason you’ve wanted to stay inside. You know it’s dramatic. You’re probably overreacting. But who cares. It hurts and you feel the pain. And you will feel the pain because it’s there. There’s no point in fighting it. In fact, you’re a little determined to let it ride. Disturbingly so.

But for a second…just a second… that whiff of freshly cut grass gave you life. You inhale again. Damn that feels good. Shaking your arms and your wrists, you start lightly jumping up and down as if preparing to get into the boxing ring. Because that’s exactly what you’re about to do.

You’re getting into the ring. Back into life. 8 days in bed for a 48-day fling is a lot. But it’s also enough. So you start running. Fuck it. We start running. There’s something to run from. There’s something to run to. There’s something to run for. So we run and it fuels you.

And you keep running into that opening of trees behind your house. Nature. You just need nature. So you keep running and hopping over tree roots and branches. But you miss your step because flip- flop sandals weren’t meant for hiking runs. Down comes you, tumbling face down. You could catch yourself but you slow down just enough to prevent physical damage. And you sit there. In the trees, at night. You sit there. It’s wet. You don’t care. It actually makes you happy. You grab a handful of mud and let it run through your fingers.

Then, you turned on your back and allowed yourself to be swallowed by life again. Mmmm good. One of the best feelings there is. And you stayed there. Until your toes started tingling and it was time to get up.

I hope you left that pain in the ground. I pray the rain comes and washes it away.

- Your Body