First Love

All she ever wanted was side-splitting, life-changing, end-of-the-world type of love. Yet, as she sat alone on her bathroom floor, she realized her world was ending, just not in the way she’d hoped.

“I’m sorry you had to find out that way. We’ve had sexual tension for the past four years," Reagan read from her bright turquoise slide phone — her fourth phone of the month. It was a text from Lana, the girl she loathed most in the world. However, whether Lana knew this or not was up for debate. 'For the past four years?' Reagan thought, tightly clenching her phone, fighting the urge to throw it at the wall. Her face felt like she had been dehydrated for weeks as she slowly ceased to see through the built-up tears in the corners of her eyes; her chest was like a ticking time bomb, waiting to split open the flesh covering her cracking heart as her deep breaths tried to sedate it to no avail. This was not happening; her nightmare wasn't coming to life. 'That's when we were dating.' Reagan desperately grappled her composer as if in front of the witch herself.

“This is the first I’ve heard of this,” Reagan replied.

“Oh. I thought you knew,” Lana texted, “We’ve liked each other for years.”

A forceful sigh exited Reagan’s nostrils, adding to the gaping eye roll she unknowingly gave. She knew they liked each other — everyone did. It was as evident as Reagan's ongoing deteriorating mental state.

“No. I didn’t,” Reagan paused momentarily, contemplating whether to mention “it,” then continued, “The only thing I knew was that he was going to prom with you, even though he promised to go with me. I should’ve known.”

“I’m sorry,” Reagan read Lana’s words aloud, slowly lowering her phone to her raised knees. Her head fell back against the wall, and her lower jaw filled with enough tension to break a tooth. 'You’re sorry? Really?' This thought was interrupted by another message from Lana: “He told me he promised that when we were freshmen.”

Reagan’s filter dropped, ignoring Lana’s evident disregard for the bond of a promise, “I thought you were a lesbian.”

“I thought I was, but I guess I was wrong,” replied Lana. Reagan felt her guilt but was in no mood for remorse, focusing on every word and how it was typed until Lana added, “I didn’t know I liked guys until I met him.”

The time bomb in Reagan’s chest was nearly at zero. She had never liked Lana. That’s not to say that she didn’t try, but it was nearly impossible to get along with the reason her boyfriend slipped away from her. The way she would dizzily go about her day in a knowingly airheaded bliss, practically showing off her lesbian status as girls lined up for their chance to touch lips with her. Her fakely optimistic persona and bubbly, bouncy walk made boys stop at the sight of her protruding bottom in skin-tight leggings, which would send most girls to in-school suspension. However, this feeling only grew when she would find Elijah and Lana flirting nonstop while she and Elijah were dating. Other times, Lana and Elijah were found chatting outside first period, leaving his poor girlfriend, Reagan, inside the classroom to draw alone. Even on football games, halftime didn’t matter to Reagan, as Lana would take Elijah’s time away from her anyway. After he and Lana started dating, Reagan often gave Lana death glares whenever she saw them hug, which was the only thing she could do to intimidate without getting too involved. Though, as it was, she desperately wanted to end their relationship for good. 'It all made sense now,' she thought.

Coming home from a fun night at a JROTC ball her male friend had invited her to, Reagan never anticipated this conversation. Little did she know, Lana would be there, too, looking just as awkward and timid as when Reagan would stare daggers at her every morning. Lana’s fear boosted Reagan, promising herself she would make the most of the night, ignoring Lana and scream-singing break-up songs on the dance floor like her life depended on it. She fully intended to forget about him that night. Her main focus was to spend time with her friends and move on, hoping to relay her apathy and hatred to Lana in the process. But there was still something that she needed to know.

“Did you text me just to tell me that you two fucked?” asked Reagan. “Because I don’t care. You guys have never cared about how I felt anyway.” She couldn’t stop herself. It was a matter of time before she would tell Lana everything, but her history of sabotage and desperately wanting to change had put this desire to a halt. It wasn’t her problem anymore anyway. She simply wanted Elijah in her life, even if that meant knowing he loved someone else.

“It was while you two were dating,” Lana said. “We didn’t mean to. He came over one day, and then we kissed. Then one thing led to another, and –” Reagan dropped her phone, unable to read the rest of the text. She wrapped her arms around her knees as she began to bawl silently so as not to make her mother suspicious. Then, another message popped up: “He said he would tell you. I’m sorry.”

'He never told me a thing. Why would he not tell me?' Anytime Elijah cheated on Reagan, he would always tell her she’d always forgive him, and then they’d always be okay in the end, but that didn’t happen this time for some reason. Reagan was caught in the dark this time, and she was afraid of the dark.

'Why now? Why is this time different?' Reagan remained slumped against the wall for several minutes, contemplating her next move. Scenarios of throwing her phone until it shattered into minuscule pieces, screaming until she passed out, and grabbing the heaviest object she could find and chucking it through the wall capsulated her amygdala between her seething breaths. Most of the time, Elijah would get a fresh start after Reagan would cry herself to sleep and beat herself up for days. During these times, he was the only person safe from her wrath. However, at this moment, she felt like a maniac strapped to the wall as she loured at her phone menacingly, creating small repairable cracks on its shell with her fingertips.

Repeated memories of Elijah-less moments towered over Reagan’s anxiety-filled mind. 'Why her? Why is it always her?' The time bomb in her chest landed at zero, her heart palpitations making it feel like a heart attack was ensuing. She remained still as she gripped the flesh over her heart and breathed to slow the beating. No matter how hard she tried, it didn’t work. Instead of tears, steam came from her heated cheeks. Instead of resisting, every urge she held back came to fruition. The vibrations from her imploding chest seemed to control not only her vision but her fingers, too. There was only one thing Reagan could think of to make this even, to make Lana hurt just as much: tell her the truth. She quickly grabbed her phone off the wet floor and began typing.

“He’s been cheating on you, you know,” Reagan confessed, not stopping to think or breathe, “Ever since you two started dating, we’d make out after class. We even planned to make love after school. I guess he doesn’t like you as much as you thought.” As Reagan sent each sentence, she checked for replies – nothing for a few minutes. Then, more minutes passed, and no reply. As she intently watched her phone as if it were a spider waiting to pounce on her, her nails gripped her arms to the point of causing bruises. She wanted to elbow the wall, grab a hammer and smash her phone, or even scream as loud as she could. However, she didn’t have any more backup phones, and she surely didn’t want her mom to know anything about her obsessive behaviors, especially over the boy causing her baby girl so much pain and anguish. Reagan forced herself to look away from the device and started to cry. 'Why did she have to tell me that? Why did I do that? God, I want all this to stop…'

Reagan looked at her phone once more after realizing Lana wouldn’t reply. Her shoulders relaxed; her face showed no expression. No tears, just emptiness. She felt numb, yet her mind wouldn’t shut off, continuing its downward spiral as she decided to check Facebook on her phone. She had to know what Elijah was doing right now. After typing his name, she pressed the arrow buttons to direct the mouse to his profile. Elijah refused to put him and Reagan as his profile picture at any point in their relationship, but there it was: a behind picture of Elijah and Lana walking side by side when he was dating Reagan. The sight only gave her the reason she needed to throw her phone at the wall, creating a small dent next to the mirror. Miraculously, the thud woke no one. Silence echoed throughout the house in the aftermath. Unsatisfied but exhausted, Reagan got up, retrieved her slightly cracked phone, and entered her room a few feet away, all while wishing she would disappear forever. She didn’t receive any other texts for the rest of the night.

**If you want to read the finished story, you can go to my blog on my profile! I will be posting it in a couple of days~**

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