It wasn’t real at first…

Just an idea, no.

A fantasy, yes.

A way to cope, ya know?

Just an exercise.

For my mind…

But

What’s an idea, if not, the beginning of a plan.

And what is a plan, if not, a goal.

A goal, oops.

Sorry mom.

I didn’t mean too, it was just supposed to be…

An idea.

Not meant

To be

But

Life kept falling

And I kept failing

Trying to catch up

Bills, friends, work

Love

Life

It was too heavy.

I began to drown and my idea

It evolved

Became my safety plan. My life vest.

Then my plan became my goal.

My new life goal

Ironic. I know.

But

I just couldn’t

I couldn’t see the next fifty years

Or I just,

I couldn’t see them how you could.

I didn’t see love, I didn’t see life

I saw pain

I felt pain.

A ten in a scale I didn’t know had a ten

A pain in places I didn’t know could hurt

A pain that hurt so bad it didn’t

But

It gets better, you said

It passes, you said

But

does it?

Or will it just come back?

But

We both know the answer

So I took my stage

I took my pills

And I took to the night

I walked awhile,

Stopped to smell the roses

as the cold grew heavier

I looked up, searching for life and for a moment

Just a moment

I thought, this too shall pass

But

It didn’t

And with a bow, the thought was gone.