He comes out at night, after eight to be precise. He's paunchy, middle aged and balding. The suit that adorns his body is creased and raggedy and smells of tobacco smoke. It's December 24th, the snow has been falling all night and Old Saint Nick is hungover.

"Nick, we gotta go or we won't make it in time" the high pitched voice of Rudolf, Nick's right hand reindeer pierces through Mr. Clause' alcohol induced headache.

Santa lets out a tired groan, his throat crackling from the previous night of cigarettes.

"Caaan you guys juust go without meee?"Santa grumbles incoherently. His blood alcohol level still rather high.

"Nick, you try and get out of this every year! You know the world looks for you AND your reindeer" Rudolph lets out a long sigh and scratches at his bright red nose.

"You really oughta get some help for the drinking, you're a public figure"

Santa begrudgingly lifts his out of shape body out of his chair, leaving behind old Dorito crumbs and stacks of porn magazines.

"Alright, let's get this over with, I don't know how this holiday is still in style in 2024"

Rudolph called out to the other reindeers who were sleeping in the back room.

"Prancer, Dancer, go get the sleigh"

As the two lesser known Reindeer trotted outside to get all the gifts to attach to the sleigh, something jumped out of a nearby bush towards Prancer.

With gun laws having been quite lax in the North Pole for some time, Prancer had been carrying a pistol in his saddle for many years. Quick to startle he grabbed his pistol and aimed towards the bush.

Pop, pop, pop. Three consecutive shots.

There was silence for a moment and then groaning. Laboured breaths intertwined with gurgling sounds.

"What did you do?!" Shouted Dancer, as they both approached the bush.

Rudolph, having heard the gunshots ring out came galloping towards his seasonal coworkers. From a distance he could see a trail of blood and two legs with red velvety pants and big brown boots sticking out from the bush.

"Shit" he sighed. "Looks like Christmas is cancelled"

The three reindeer gathered up Santa's corpse and threw him in the back of the sleigh.

"Christmas is never cancelled" exclaimed Dixon, the reindeer nobody remembered existed. He threw more gifts atop the bloated body of the Christmas icon. The reindeer made their way out of the North Pole right in time to deliver all the children's gifts on Christmas Eve.