TRIGGER WARNING❗️

Entry 04/06/2023

Dear Journal,

We argued again today. Every conversation feels like a battle that can’t be won.

Moving in together is a big step I know, and of course; he’s just worried about his daughter.

I’m trying to prove myself as best I can, trying to remind myself that it’s normal for couples to argue. Sometimes, however, I forget myself. Not with malicious intent but I haven’t known safety in so long. This is the first non abusive relationship I have experienced. It’s confusing. I only know chaos.

He’s frustrated, I know. With his own life to concentrate on, I worry deeply about being a burden. As my eviction date in my current home draws nearer, and his roommate becoming more turbulent by the day; the situation feels dire.

I can’t help but feel like my heart is breaking, and I don’t understand why.

It’s irrational, I know. But it still hurts.

Dread consumes me as I fear every time we have a disagreement, he’s going to leave. I become so overcome with anxiety, I begin to draw in on myself.

Sometimes I feel like I should disappear, but I won’t. I won’t do that to him, I won’t do that to his daughter.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Xoxo

Entry 05/04/23

Dear Journal,

Two days until my birthday! I want to be excited, so badly. Iv been working such long hours that I’m still yet to pack for my fourteen days camping. Il find the time tomorrow afternoon, hopefully.

Unfortunately the constant conversations of money and finding a house are taking over every moment.

I can’t decide how today was. We had a very long hard conversation. He’s worried about me, but he has to look out for his little girl first.

My eating disorder is running rampant. He’s worried about what will happen if she’s exposed to anything that might impact her in the future. As much as it feels like knives in my heart, I do understand. It’s what I have always feared. Contributing to a childs trauma, or shattered sense of self, terrifies me. It’s why for so long I shut myself off from any fondness towards children.

I’m worried now too. We booked a viewing for a house tomorrow morning, it’s beautiful. Nestled in a village where I used to live, deep in the country side.

A glimmer of hope fills me, I am looking forward to this next chapter of our lives together. If we make it.

I can see in his eyes, he’s scared too.

I don’t know how to wrangle the demon telling me I must purge myself of all my meals, in order to attain an image I am happy with. Because the truth is, journal. I’m suffering.

I can’t seem to get comfortable at night anymore, my bed once my safe haven, feels like it bruises me. Bones I didn’t know I had, in places I didn’t know could protrude, stab into me as I toss and turn whilst trying to sleep. I feel weak, like every day that I’m eating less, I’m being drained of any strength I have left. I’m scared.

Fuck journal, I wish I could be different. All I can do is hold desperately onto the hopes that we fall in love with this house even more when we’re actually inside it.

I pray that this beautiful bungalow will be our new home.

Xoxox

Entry 06/06/23

Dear Journal,

I fucked up. I fucked up, so badly.

I didn’t mean to, completely overwhelmed with the long list of things to get done, I missed the important phone call. Now the house is gone.

He’s devastated. When we were stood in there together, this morning, exploring what our possible home had to offer; I felt bliss.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, he was beaming.

I saw actual hope, actual salvation.

Our discussion in the car after the viewing felt so positive. Clinging to the idea that just maybe, living with a child, will help me want to help myself. To get better.

But I fucked it up.

He dropped me off mid afternoon, I became so overwhelmed and consumed by the stress I felt. Scrambling around my bedroom, attempting to pack my bags for my adventures that start tomorrow, I found myself having a panic attack. The first in so long. Whilst attempting to calm my breathing, I didn’t see my phone ringing, I didn’t answer in time.

We had such a short window to complete our forms and pay our holding deposit, and I missed it.

I feel so ashamed.

He has assured me that it will be alright, that these things happen and another house will come up.

I hope he is right.

I want to find our family home, and prove I’m not always a nuisance. I can be a good girlfriend. I can be a good role model to his daughter, who I love dearly already. I can get better; I must. For the sake of my own health, and the sake of my cherished relationship.

I can’t fuck this up again.

Xoxo