A pale blue sky, wisps of soft white clouds, perfect little snowflakes. They all spun and swirled above me. My warm breath creates a frosty cloud in the frigid winter air. I close my eyes for a moment, and when I open them again it all vanishes. I find myself floating in a dark abyss. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe… death is better.

*3 hours earlier*

I ran my hands through my hair a few more times, letting out a shaky breath. I looked decent in the mirror but would he like it? I rubbed my hands together nervously. I’d been on plenty of blind dates before, but never at such a fancy restaurant. Who was this mysterious rich man my sister hooked me up with?

The bathroom door opened suddenly, startling me. ‘Speak of the devil’ I thought to myself as my sister walked in.

She squealed and grabbed my hands. “Val! You look so cute!”

I smiled a little, as if she hadn’t helped me pick out the light blue dress on Amazon. “Thank you, Cassie.” I let out a sigh and checked my make up one last time. “Okay, I’m ready.”

Cassie grinned and dragged me out the door to her car. Mine had been broken into recently, so she was my ride for the time being.

We arrived at the Italian restaurant a little while later. Cassie handed me my bag. “Don’t forget this. There’s pepper spray in case he’s a creep. Also some mints in case he’s hot enough for you.”

I flushed and snatched the bag from her. “Come on Cassie!” She giggled and I couldn’t help hit smile at her. I really was thankful for all she did to help me. “Alright bye.”

“Bye bye! Stay safe! Love you!” She blew me a kiss then shooed me out the door.

I took a deep breath, shivering slightly in the mid-December breeze. ‘I’ve got this’ I repeated to myself before opening the heavy glass door.

The place was even fancier inside. Chandeliers, glass tables, vases of white roses, a bar, and in the way back, a single man, matching the description of the one I was sent to meet. I mentally prepared myself to talk to him before making my way over.

“Um, hi.” I cringed internally. ‘Wow, nice introduction there. You sound real intelligent.’ I thought.

The man looked up. Soft pale skin, dark eyes, jet black hair. His profile said he was half Japanese half Korean. He was quite handsome, but in an ordinary way. Not idol like, but still nice to look at. He smiled and gestured for me to sit down.

“Good evening. You must be Valerie. I hope the drive wasn’t too bad in this weather.”

I smiled and sat down. “It was alright. And you can call me Val. You must be Mitsuaki.”

He nodded and said, “You can call me Aki!” He winked and smiled a little. I returned it and grabbed a menu.

A waiter appeared and we ordered out pastas and wine. While we waited for the food we talked about the basics. Jobs, future plans, hobbies, and other boring things. But it was nice, talking to someone new. After so long hiding away in my room. I spaced out slightly as he told me about his pet cats. It was so strange. How easy human interaction was. I thought it’d be harder. After… the accident. After the only man I’d ever loved died. It’s been so long but still. I looked up at Aki, and felt a surge of guilt. How dare I betray my love. How could I do such a thing. Dead or alive I promised him he’d be the only man I’d ever love. I promised…

I stood up suddenly, unaware of the tears falling onto my dress. “I-I’m sorry.” I mumbled, before bolting out the door. I couldn’t breathe. My head was spinning. I needed to go. Somewhere. Anywhere. And so I ran. Away from the city, as far away as I could. I found myself in a frozen meadow. I could breathe a bit easier but the guilt weighed me down like tar in my stomach, pushing it’s way up my throat. I stumbled and threw up, falling to my hands and knees.

It didn’t have to be like this. If only I’d remembered. If only I reminded him it was a holiday. If only I wasn’t so hungover. If only I’d gotten up to tell him to stay home. If only I’d said goodbye. Goodbye goodbye goodbye. I fell onto my back, gasping for air again. Something was really wrong but I wasn’t sure what. I couldn’t bring my mind to the present. I could only think of the past. Of my love. Of that horrible horrible accident. His body ripped in two, full of glass. His wrecked car in a ditch. His arm outstretched, reaching out for help. A light dusting of snow on his shoulders. His empty eyes.

I hated this world for taking him from me. This world. This… this snow. This frigid air and frozen water. So cold. It was so cold. I couldn’t think. All I saw was his face, fading from his gentle smile to a bloody mess. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to live in a world without my love. I closed me eyes, a single tear dropping into the snow beneath me. One last time, I looked up at the pale blue sky, it was filling with clouds. A storm was coming.

Good. Let it come. This is for the best. Death is better.

************************

I watched her run out the door. It didn’t matter. The drugs would kick in soon anyway. They wouldn’t find her body, not in this weather. I’d be safe until spring. It’d been so easy to get rid of the boyfriend. Surely it was just as easy to get rid of her. I smiled and stood.

Goodbye, Valerie.