💡 I like the way “masks” sits with “laughs” but would add a beat in the second line. Imo, this would maintain the decasyllabic flow.
Perhaps:
‘Since the beginning, I’ve put on a mask,
It’s not smiles or laughs, but calm. Collected.’
Note, the ‘transference of emphasis’ on “collected” with the change of punctuation. Imo, It ‘gathers’ the ideas within the first two lines?
Just a suggestion :)
Perhaps draw me in more by leaving me a question (mark? )…
‘But what happens when I remove the mask?’
(Although you may want to keep your original tone)
Not sure if this is intentional, but I love this contraction:
“Without it I’m cold”. ✨👏🏼🙌🏼
I reckon, emphasise the absence with a comma, then continue:
“Without it, I’m cold. Distant. Uncaring”
Doing so, mirrors a physical retraction (within the contraction of words)—experienced when ‘cold’, whilst highlighting the isolation felt in “distant” and “uncaring” with the ‘hard full stops’ (periods, if you are American!)—Again, just a suggestion.
“I either love too deeply (,?) or can’t love”. I suggest a comma/pause after ‘deeply’ —it feels like a profound/epic moment, to rest and ponder.
Again, I would be assertive with my punctuation when building your “brick wall”.
“A brick wall goes up. High. Strong. Unweilding” (unwieldy or unyielding?)… punctuating its every brick 😉
“Something broke inside of me years ago”.
I would punctuate that ‘break’. Mirror that broken feeling within the sentence structure, with either a comma, dash or full stop. Also, I think it would create distance between ‘then’, and “years ago”.
“The shattered glass inside me cuts all near”: What the hell!? I love this line!— And yes, without punctuation! Nailed it🔥
The monotony of ‘triple tired’ 🔥
Wow Ronny Darke! This moved me to comment. 👏🏼
An evocative piece. My suggestions are purely personal preferences, that I feel may ‘tighten’ the piece.
And, oh yes!—this is a great piece!🙌🏼👏🏼
I thoroughly enjoyed this. And your style.
