I can feel it creeping in-the thoughts, the paranoia. My mind links together all sorts of evidence to support my deepest fears. I don’t know what’s real and what’s my illness thinking. Borderline Personality is a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My mind races and my heart pounds a million miles a minute. My chest tightens as my breaths become shorter and more labored. A panic attack. I knew this was coming. I lay in bed clutching my quilt with my eyes squeezed shut. I can’t get the thoughts to stop. I try to reason with them, but the BPD takes over and tells me there are no other alternatives. My fears are real. I can’t even trust my own mind anymore. Sleep is a distant foe. I have no one to turn to, not even my own husband. I feel so disconnected from everyone. It’s like I’m on a completely different plane of existence, floating in a sea of nothingness. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad. I only feel emptiness and fear. I’m an empty shell of a human being. I’ll wake up tomorrow and go about my day, a few bursts of happiness as I write away my feelings, but then the the darkness will fall again and my greatest enemy will chain me. Night time. Solitude. Being alone with my thoughts. It’s too much to bear day in and day out. I am emotionally exhausted and I’m so very tired.