I lie there, eyes wide open in the dark next to my beloved. He’s said good night, he’s turned his back. His breathing has become heavier, he’ll be snoring soon. If only it were so easy for me to fall asleep.

But I can’t, my mind’s reeling, my body is writhing. Im starved from touch. I desire him and his touch and his body. I’ve been counting the days since the last time we had sex or even just some kind of intimacy-42. But it’s the uncertainty. Sometimes it’s weeks, sometimes it’s months. Its the waiting.

I’ve tried everything.

I take a deep breath in. When i exhale, I want to say my piece. Then I think twice.

Things cannot just be said and left. They have to be reacted to. And once you've started, there's no going back. Long sleepless night ahead. Maybe if I can tell him about the times I’ve felt hurt then these thoughts won’t dance around in my head. They can be put to rest ; then i can move on from the rejection and just think about the love and the pleasure and be in the moment again like before, like in the beginning.

"I want you to desire me. Why do you always choose when we have sex? You just use my body. Why aren’t you attracted to me?”

"What are you talking about? Just go to sleep."

“Why are you even with me? You don’t even like me like that.”

“Shush! Go to sleep!”

My chest feels like there are splinters of glass coming out from my heart, pushing through into my chest. It hurts, it’s physically painful.

I have a choice now. Continue my point. Try and make him see how the rejection and his indifference towards me hurts me. Make myself heard.

Or I can just leave it and let my feelings simmer inside me.

I choose the latter.