The sky so blue
And soft summer days
But all of it was lost
Covered in an endless haze
She longed to reach and touch the stars
But they began to fall
This was the consequence
Of all
The smoke left
The plastic bags
The poisoned water
The thrown out rags
And so she let them go
The plants died, life went away
Even people couldn’t make it
The clouds couldn’t stay
I like the thought of using falling stars as a metaphor for the “fall of Mother Nature” or pollution/ruin of natural beauty! Overall I liked it, but I had a few suggestions:
You don’t need to name Mother Nature! I think it was implied very heavily and could be left unsaid. You created a good picture and narrative that, to me, was broken paused when you specifically stop to tell us “she” is Mother Nature. Sort of like you upset the flow to say something that was implied. Not a big deal though.
The other minor thing… who is “we”? People? Specific people? I would just leave the first line with “we” as “This was the consequence” and the second line as “The smoke” similar to “The plastic bags”. This makes it more matter of fact to me. Like “this was going to happen regardless of who did it.”
Overall great job, I hope my comments help and don’t hurt. I thought it was a good message.
