fingers tap restlessly,

nail beds bitten to the quick.

my heart pounds like a drum against my ribs,

too-hard, too-fast, too-afraid

of the worries threatening to pull me under.

i could drown in this fear,

this unspeakable irrationality.

conversations i’ve never had, scenarios i’ve only imagined,

overwhelm my sense of sanity,

overwhelm my sense of safety.

i crave only a moment

a single moment

of p e a c e

it’s ridiculous,

i know it’s ridiculous.

you think i don’t know that?

you think i don’t know that none of these confrontations will ever happen,

outside my own mind?

that not one of these conflicts will ever occur outside of my own nightmares?

i know that,

i do.

but what if?

what if?

a quiet mind, a normal life.

it’s my own thoughts,

my own mind,

that forces my greatest wish

inches out of reach