Back home after another sleepless night at the A&E. Of course I was classified blue. By the time they saw me, the morning sun was coming in almost perpendicularly. Everything is fine, apparently, I must be imagining my excruciating leg pain. Next time, I might as well suffer sleeplessly at home than on some squalid plastic chair in a drafty room. Horizontal vs vertical agony.

Another week of nonstop torment. My leg won’t let me rest, it’s all I can think about, day and night. But especially at night. Doctor says it should settle soon, as he can find nothing wrong with it. Small victory: I was prescribed physiotherapy. I wish I could go today, but guess what, I need to wait one week for my first appointment.

My leg is now a throbbing rod of lead. I need to drag it across the floor, which of course amplifies the pain and extends it over a longer period of unsteady steps. The physiotherapist has twisted my leg in all sort of ways, and said that despite my visible discomfort, my joints look very healthy. I feel like I should congratulate myself for such healthy physique. But I’m still aching really badly, so one for another day.

I was assigned a bunch of physio exercises to “ease the discomfort”. If anything, and if you can believe it, my pain has gotten worse. In the past few days, I’ve noticed — unless my hollowed eyes are also failing me — that it’s acquired a slightly purple tinge. Time for a dermatologist appointment.

I think I might need to get my eyes checked, after all. The dermatologist said both my legs look absolutely fine. She can’t see any colour differences between them, and said they both have a very healthy hue. That’s quite reassuring, but I’m also pretty sure my left leg is getting purpler by the day. I was given some hydrating cream to help ease my alleged pain.

Totally non consequential, but I also made a point of getting my eyes checked. My vision is 20/20 on both eyes. I’m the picture of health.

After my nth visit to my physiotherapist, I was advised on the challenges of chronic pain, that is, how the brain can trick us into feeling pain even when there are no physical symptoms. In the meantime he didn’t seem to want to acknowledge the fact that my left leg is now dark purple. I brought my eye test results with me, but he didn’t want to see them either. I think it’s time to sign up to a mindfulness meditation course.

Turns out, it’s quite hard to learn how to be mindful when one of your leg is dynamite. Observe your pain, they say, but it feels more like I’m a speck of dust slowly coasting the mouth of the event horizon of a reality-eating agony. This sounds way cooler than it is, by the way. Either way, I believe I’ve reached enlightenment: I will pay for private healthcare.

My private GP seems to have acknowledged that my leg is now almost black. By “acknowledged” I mean that he didn’t tergiversate, immediately change topic, or leave the room. Nope, I’m the proud owner of my very first prescription: paracetamol.

It looks like there is such thing as death by paracetamol overdose. Oh, and by the way, I forgot to mention that I’ve been actually dead all along. But things have turned out well after all: my leg pain is gone, in fact, I no longer have a leg, or a body. But I feel so healthy.