I was fixing coffee when I heard it. There was a thud and then the unmistakable sound of footsteps above me. I stopped grinding the coffee beans, thinking maybe my ears were playing tricks on me but then I heard a voice tentatively say, “Hello? Anybody there? Where am I?”

In a rush it all came back to me. I had driven home after a pretty intense night of partying at Ben’s and found this woman on my stoop. It was very late, and although I didn’t recognize her, I was used to the odd person showing up on my doorstep and proclaiming themselves to be a cousin. In a family as extended as mine, I had dozens of cousins and it seemed all of them needed a room for the night on a visit to New York. This girl, for she could not have been much older than 18, obviously needed a bed and I was too sleepy and frankly too inebriated to ask which aunt or uncle she belonged to.

She seemed to appear out of nowhere, and tentatively asked, “Where is the chamber pot?” I stared at her a moment. “You mean the bathroom?”

She looked at me blankly, then blushed. “I really need to....you know....make water?”

“Oh! Pee! “. I chuckled and said, “Follow me”.

We walked back up the stairs and I pointed to the bathroom. “There you go.”

She still looked at me blankly and that’s when I looked at her more closely. She was dressed REALLY oddly, like she had been to some kind of costume party, and her whole speech and bearing were oddly old fashioned. She was starting to look extremely agitated, so I pointed to the toilet. “You can go in there”, I said, pointing to the toilet. She didn’t move, so I walked over and raised the lid. “Sit on there and let it go”.

Her relief was palpable when she finally understood, and she rushed over, pulling up her long skirts as she rushed over and sat down.

“Come back to the kitchen when you are ready,” I said, and she nodded at me.

I finished making the coffee, poured two large mugs,and set out a couple of plates along with fruit, cheese and some day old croissants. I heard her coming down the hallway, and when she appeared in the doorway, I motioned her to have a seat.

“Now,” I said. “What is your name and what’s with the costume and the game going on here? Which of my nutsy aunts sent you here as a joke?”

I got another blank stare. “My name is Lily Bart. And do I know you?”

My mind was whirling. Lily Bart? Edith Wharton? “The Hose of Mirth”? What 5he heck was going on??