I wasn’t expecting my usual ‘good morning’ to be succeeded by a scream, maybe I said it too aggressively? Maybe they’re looking at me the way I see myself in my phone camera, it is hideous enough to summon a scream. Remember that Ke$ha song where the woman drops the pancakes? Yeah, that’s exactly what my mother did.

Confused and slightly scared, I ask: “Hi! Why are you screaming?”

Everyone around the table just looks at me, as if I’m a new exhibit at a museum, “Guys?” I ask, the fingers of fear are tickling my throat. “We good? Can I have a pancake?”

“I think you’re in the wrong house,” my father responds softly. I give a gentle chuckle. He’s not joking.

“Wait…no... hang on,” I’m fumbling for words now, “I am home. This is…I live here.”

Andy is shaking his head; he hasn’t even eaten the colossal piece of pancake hovering below his nose.

“No…I do,” I’m trembling now, “I live here…You’re my mum, my dad, my brother -” they’re following my index finger across the dining room.

“What’s my name?” Andy asks, I tell him. “Hmm…You could’ve easily guessed that by looking at my certificates though”

“No, I live here, my bedroom is upstairs. Look, I’ll show you!” The way they’re all climbing the stairs, as if I could turn around and shoot them all any minute. “Here” I wave my hand across the room, ushering mum and dad in. “See, here’s the lilac teddy bear we won from a travelling fair, it used to smell like plums, now it smells like off-brand detergent. And all the trophies from sports games.”

Mum’s holding the photo of our Africa safari, “That’s. Us.”

My birth certificate is creasing between my dad’s fingers. I make a desperate attempt to convince him, “Those are your names, right? You can’t fake a birth certificate.”

“What the fu-” I can’t believe mum swore, she never swears. “I’ve never seen this before.” She turns to face me, “Oh honey, I know that all this is…but I’m not your mother, I don’t know what this is.”

“But I am your daughter” I respond, “I know the most obscure things about you all, uh- Dad! I know that you only drink beer if the logo has the colour red in it. Mum. It takes you exactly 37 minutes to make your cherry pound cake, and, that when you pour wine you hold your right thumb against the glass so that you can fill the glass up to that amount, your right thumb, not left because your right thumb is longer! Oh! And, you only read the synopsis of each book featured in Oprah’s book club. Andy, I know what really happened to the PS4, I know what level your green Sackboy avatar was on when it happened, yes, Sackboy because mum, doesn’t let you play violent games. See?”

They’re both looking at Andy now, brows raised. “Guys?” I ask.