“A lovely piece Miss Hilport, but -“

Here it comes, the reason why I’m still not “up there” with the rest.

I maintained a composed face as he went on to list the criteria that I had to mold myself into, trying to name as many colours as I could in alphabetical order, as I felt the need to keep my whirlwind thoughts at bay. Let’s see, azure.. I nodded and smiled in all the right places, hiding what I desperately hoped wouldn’t happen at the end of this talk.

-“...reason being, it’s simply too much. Think of it as a rose bush, and you need to prune off the unnecessary leaves- paragraphs or, or phrases in this case”-

he hurried on, not wanting to seem too restrictive, as we both knew I’d take this criticism to heart, like always.

Back in the common room, I curled up in an armchair, elbow on the armrest, chin balancing ion my hand, whilst re reading the essay in my head, and trying to see it from The Professor’s point of view. Analysing and editing in my head, I practically knew it by heart now. Why was it always wrong? I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, I was practically encouraging the panic attack to happen, I needed to stop.

A disliked cacophony made my thoughts go out of focus as the gang came into view. They knew Kilman kept people behind after class to give grades individually, “so as not to put everyone in an awkward position” as he said. So, naturally, they knew why I didn’t leave the classroom with them. Too bad, I found myself comparing my work to them more and more these days.

Lazily draped in an armchair, they resembled cats, displaying a dismissive attitude when it came to work but still putting in the grades needed to look good.

“So, how did Kilman grade your essay? Another A double star, triple if he could wangle it?” They smirked amongst themselves as they waited for my reply; I was well known for being the exemplary student, never tired of keeping to the requirements that came with it.

“No, actually, he... well to be honest he said my work was too verbose” I trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

“No way, that’s outrageous! Reckon we should start a riot?” Raising his eyebrows at the others, Wilson never ceased to pile on the hyperbole, but at the same time he didn’t know how important this was to me. A single assignment not done to the utmost standard, and the Academy would see right through me to the crappy estate background that I was raised in. Miss Lanset had asked me about my anxious thoughts when the library was empty one morning; pinning a quick smile, I shook my head, and moved on. Maybe I should go see her after all, but what would she tell to the Board? I dismissed it for now, and decided to go for a walk. I needed some headspace, or whatever she called it.

After the punchline of his latest joke, Wilson dropped his grin and enquired after my footsteps,

“Hey, where are you going? We weren’t laughing at you, honest.”

I turned back, feeling the anxiety build up more and more in my chest, threatening to spill over any minute. I paused before I turned the door handle, “No, no, it’s fine. I’m just going out is all.”

“Oh, alright then. Have fun”, he turned back to the others, unfazed.

Suppressing an eye roll and feeling that tightening in my chest more and more, I knew I needed to get out. Taking a further step forward into the corridor at a hairpin turn

- “easy, there. Wherever you’re going, you’ll be getting there quickly.”

Thomas.

He suppressed a laugh, half-hiding his uneven dimples, but still holding the sheepish grin visible.

“Where are you going? Dinner’s soon, you usually don’t miss it.”

“Out. On a walk. I’m not worried about dinner.” I realised this monosyllabic reply sounded rude, but the more I said, the quicker I knew it would happen. I gulped, and hurriedly moved away from him, exiting the corridor and almost tripping down the wooden staircase in my haste. I heard him say “Are you sure you’re alright?” before the automatic doors closed, and he faded away into silence.

Making my way past the courtyard and down the stone steps, I found a secluded bench and sat down, not fast enough.