Breathe in...

Breathe out...

Breathe in...

Breathe out...

That’s it. Just like they taught you. Calm down, don’t take it out on her.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, you know I didn’t mean it.”

“I know Mum. It’s not your fault.”

“But it is. Mine and my stupid autism’s.”

I always feel awful when ever I get overwhelmed. I always get so stressed and I end up shouting at my daughter. It’s because I’m autistic. Not many people know unless I tell them because I’m not like what everyone thinks an autistic person is like. I don’t have learning disabilities, instead I just get overwhelmed easily and I’m not good in social situations.

Today, I had a rough day at work. I am a mathematician at NASA, and there was this one thing that I just couldn’t work out. People were shouting at me to just put my mind to it and work it out; others were trying to suggest things to me, all at once. It was way to much information for my brain to process at once, I got so stressed that I simply walked out and said that when they had decided who was going to talk first, I’d gladly come back and finish that calculation.

The very moment I stepped in the door, Bella (my daughter) asked:

“Muuuuuuum! Can I have some help with my maths homework?” That sent me overboard. I snapped at her and all the stress that I felt during the day camping pouring out in the form of frustration aimed at her when she didn’t deserve it.

“Mum! Stop blaming yourself for something you were born with and will have until the day you die! Stop blaming yourself for something you can’t control, and stop blaming yourself for other people’s actions that got you stressed! They know you’re autistic and need to be more understanding. It was the reason why they employed you in the first place because it makes you super amazing at maths.”

“I know they know, but they don’t care. To them I am just another mathematician, except from the fact that my brain is wired differently.” I burst into tears and sobbed out all the emotions that had built up inside me. Bella sat down next to me. She cuddled into me and stroked my hair like she always does when I’m upset. It calms me down but makes me feel awful that she’s having to act like the parent.

A few minutes later, Bella looked at me and said, “I know! Why don’t you set up an education program at work about hidden disabilities so that people are more aware and can learn how to help and understand people like you?”

I replied, “You know, that might just work!”