I nervously glanced at the light haired boy next to me. I could feel everything. My heartbeat in my chest, the way his scent wafted out to me, despite the coffee and breakfast platters smell in the background, beckoning me like a sin. I wanted to reach out and move the hair out of his eyes. I stilled myself as best as I could, not wanting to come off as weird. He was just so handsome. I couldn’t understand how I’d fallen so hard for someone. His eyes, his laugh, his hair, his absolute kindness. This man’s soul was one unlike I’d met before.

     I didn’t think we’d get this far, I had just enjoyed him from a distance when I met him in kindergarten, he never moved away, nor I, naturally, we became best friends. We spent our summers at the lake behind our houses, winters spent in the snow. So many secrets, blood pacts, pinky swears. He’d been everything to me. Somewhere over the course of it all, I fell hard, hard and in love. We never talked about romantic relationships, mostly because mine were non existent and his was a revolving door. 



   I wanted to be his one, his only, but it’d never be that to him. He tells me his stories, and I listen without question or judgement. I just try and know him, care for him. I wasn’t waiting for him to see me as suddenly the one for him. There was a deep dark desire that was within me though that wanted me to tell him. I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t hear Logan. 



 “Ren? Hey, Earth to Serenity? I’m gonna pay the bill, did you want anything to go? You might get hungry later, and we have an online match later, so you’ll need sustenance.” He grinned. He looked at me again with those piercing, dark green eyes. They burned my insides and made me so sad at the same time. 



    Lost in a forest of passion, I found myself almost at a loss for words. I had to think quickly. 



 “No, you’ve already done so much for me, Logan, I really can’t take your money, you’re my best friend. We’re in high school, save it for your own treat.” I replied casually, like his question didn’t bounce around my head for ages. 



 Pulling me close as we walked out of the restaurant, I held my breath. This happened everytime he touched me. It’s like something felt deeper. I couldn’t breathe near him, I couldn’t focus, or do anything, except feel his touch against me. Oh God, I couldn’t keep it in any longer. 



Luckily, looking for my keys in my purse gave me a good distraction from his touch, his fingertips against my skin, like electricity lighting against the very cells that covered us. I know he didn’t feel it.



 We got in the car. Still in a quiet mood, I connected to blue tooth and started playing some weird pop music that I enjoyed. Trying to lessen the weird tension that’d been hovering over me since leaving the restaurant. 



 “Are you okay, Serenity? Is it your mom? Your sisters? I know your mom isn’t doing well, I know it’s stressful to have to handle this all by yourself.” His look of concern made me want to cry for what was coming next. 



 “Uhm, no it’s not that. Just don’t worry, Logan, I’m fine, I had a couple tests back to back and a paper due, so I’m a little worried about my grades” I lied. I couldn’t say it. 



 “Ren, I know when you’re bluffing and avoiding. What’s up? Is everything okay?” He turned to face me and grabbed my face so I could look him directly in the eye, “Please just tell me what you’re going through. I’m here for you.” 



  I forced my face from his hands, shushed him. and turned towards the drivers window, I began driving in silence for a few minutes, he seemed annoyed that I wasn’t responsive to the conversation, but I would be soon. A few blocks before pulling up to his house, I stopped the car. 



 “Finally gonna talk?” He asked gruffly. 



 “Yeah, Logan, I am. Please know I didn’t mean to ruin everything when I say what I’m about to say, I understand if you don’t wanna remain in contact after this…” my voice started to break. I took a few deep breaths, his scent hit me again, he smelled like vanilla soap and bourbon, I wanted to inhale until I was inebriated enough to do this. I started to hyperventilate for a few seconds just at the mere thought. I calmed myself quickly, all the while, Logan looked at me in deep concern. 



 “Ren-“



 “I’m in love with you.” I blurted out, cutting him off. “I’ve been in love with you since fifth grade, but you were my best friend and I didn’t know about love or even sex yet, but, Logan, God. I have always loved you, for you, I know who you are, i understand you, I care about you. I know we’ll never be together, but I feel so lucky just to love you as a friend. I’m so sorry I’m just throwing this at you, I just can’t take it anymore.” Silent tears were tracking down my cheeks. I finally did it. What did I lose though. I didn’t want to, but I looked over, saw his face, and immediately feeling regretful. 



 I started the car again and we drove in awkward silence. Finally making it to his house. 



 “Serenity, look, I’m- I’m just not at that point in my life. You’re like my baby sister. You’re an amazing woman, and one day you’ll find a guy that cherishes you how you deserve. I’m sorry, but I’m not him.” He looked devastating, turmoil deep in his face. Then he looked at me, and for a split second I thought he was gonna run out of the car, but slowly, he reached for my face, he leaned in. Was he about to kiss me? He was trying to kiss me. 



  I shook my head softly, “I don’t want your… whatever this is…. when it’s only pity, when it’s only for me, when it’s not real.” 



  I looked out the car window. Disdain, disappointment, and denial were on the rollercoaster in my head. “I don’t think we should hang out anymore, I’m sorry, Logan. I love you. I love you so much it hurts, I know I’ll never be the person you want, and I’m okay with that, I just needed to tell you.”



 “Wait, why can’t we be friends anymore? You just said you’d already accepted this? Please, Serenity, don’t leave me behind. You’re all I’ve had for so long.” His voice plead. 



  “Logan, I need time. I still love you, I don’t want to be around you while you ravage everything in a skirt. Maybe in the future we can be friends, but I need you to understand how painful it is to watch your first love completely turn around into a player. I just think some time apart will be necessary. I can’t love you and be your friend right now. I will always love you as a friend, but my romantic feelings will break me. Please understand. I’ll bring over anything you left at my place soon.” I monologued for a moment there, but I just needed to get it out. I needed him to leave my car and not look back. 



  “Serenity, I do love you. That’s why I can’t give you what you need right now,” he had tears in his eyes now, “but I know we’re meant to be at least in eachother lives. I can give you space, time, but please, you’re more to me than any girl.” He begged. I never wanted this, In fact, I was surprised he was even reacting this way. 



“That right there, you don’t love me, Logan, not the way I wanted you to. I’m sorry that’s not enough for me. Please give me some space and we can talk again eventually. I just need to get over you. You were just so perfect.” I said tearfully. “I just wanted to be yours, Logan, and you broke my heart with every store of a new girl.” 



“Serenity, please-“ 



“Please just go, Logan, I need to get home, it’s getting dark. Uhm. Yeah, thank you for lunch; I’ll venmo you. I’ll see you around, Meyers.” With that I faced forward, I just needed him to go. 



He looked at me one last time, and then he hopped out of my car and left. He never once looked back. 



 I doubt we’re ever going to be able to have what we had before, but maybe it’s better now. Maybe I can finally find peace within myself.